The day we MAYBE? made a baby?

Last Tuesday was possibly the biggest day of our lives.  Well... if this is successful, it will be the biggest.  If not successful, it will just be another stab in the voodoo doll that is our life lately. 

The night before, I couldn't sleep.  It was kinda like a kid on Christmas Eve, when you know you asked for that jammin' awesome boom box that you just HAD to have and the anticipation of knowing that it's just right there under the tree, waiting for you to rock it. 

Ryan drove us up to the hospital because I had to take a valium to make sure that both me and my uterus was relaxed for the procedure.  Let me tell you --- that stuff is amazing! I fell asleep about 5 minutes after taking it and woke up as we pulled into the hospital.  I haven't felt that drunk in a very long time.  I'm pretty sure I weirded a few people out in the elevator on the way up.  Just a typical day. 

The embryologist took us back to a room to get changed.  I got the typical ugly hospital gown with booties and a hair net, but Ryan got a cool spacesuit.  He was pretty excited about it. 

Once we were changed, the embryologist (who looks a lot like Doogie Howser) brought in an 8x10 photo of the best 2 embryos.  Is it weird that I felt instantly in love with them?  He said these were by far the best 2 and if we were ready to go, we just had to sign the waiver that it was ok to put them both in me and get moving. 

Here's our 2 rockstars.  I call them the girls.

They took us into the operating room, put me up on the table and Ryan into the chair beside me.  A window opened up and an embryologist in the back room asked us to look at the big screen to verify my name and birthday on the petri dish.  When we looked up there, we could see the two blastocysts floating on the media and I thought that was the coolest part.  The doctor visualized my uterine lining on the ultrasound, practiced putting a cath in, and then yelled "Load 'em up."  After what seemed like an eternity with me laying on the table spread eagle with a speculum in, in came the tube that contained our babies.  They inserted it, watched via ultrasound to ensure they knew it was at the back of the uterus, and then pushed the trigger and injected them in. 

About a minute later, I was up off the table and into the restroom to empty my full bladder.  Irrationally, I kept thinking "please don't fall out!" while I went.  I headed back into the initial room to get changed again.  Ryan already had his spacesuit off and informed me that he shoved it into my purse because he wanted to take it home.  Totally normal. 

I got dressed, and the embryologist put me in the wheelchair and wheeled me down to the car himself.  Before we left, he said that everything looked perfect and that he expected us to return with nothing but good news.  That was sweet of him to say, but of course, my infertility brain immediately thought "well, we will see."  We got in the car and headed back home where I then continued to lay on the couch for the next three days. 

In addition to being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) I also got to start progesterone injections in my butt on a nightly basis.  The needles are pretty huge, and the progesterone is super thick, so I have to have other people give them to me.  So far, I've pulled my pants down for 4 different people to stick me and it is not my favorite.  Tonight, the night before my beta, I had reached my limit with the shots and kinda snapped at my mom to hurry up and get it over with because it's probably going to be the last one that we do.  Can you tell I'm getting grumpy? 

So tomorrow, I get my blood drawn to see if one or both of them decided to stick in there and actually start to become a baby that I can take home.  It all comes down to this.  One more day to see if all the pain was worth it.  Please still be in there, little ones.  I'm seriously begging you.  I promise to be an awesomely cool mommy.  Just please be in there. 

Egg Retrieval and Growing Vibes

THURSDAY was the big day.  We got up at 5am, and got to Akron around 7:30.  Instead of collecting a sample at home, Ryan preferred to do it there just in case we got stuck in traffic or something unexpected.  That's the last thing we needed was to suck all these eggs out of me and then have a bunch of dead sperm on our hands.  So, there I was, the only person in the waiting room, waiting for my husband to make his deposit.  It was the calm before the storm... almost deafening silence in there. 
Ryan came back triumphant and the nurse almost immediately took me back to get me gowned up.  Of course, she had to stick me twice and dig like crazy to get my IV started (grrrrr).  They let Ryan come back for a few minutes to sit with me because my doctor wasn't there yet (surprise, surprise).  I had gotten up extra early to do my hair and makeup because I wanted to take some pictures, but I ended up being to nervous to do anything but sit there and stare at the wall.  Then all of a sudden it was time to go. 
Back in the mini O.R. the nurse got me up on the table and heart monitors and such hooked up.  We had a conversation about Propofol: I wanted to know how she was going to wake me up from it so I didn't end up like Michael Jackson.  She giggled, but I was a little serious.  Then, after much waiting, the door burst open, in walks my doctor, he pats me on the cheek and says it's time to do this, and before I can say something witty, I turn my head just in time to see the propofol being pushed, and I was instantly O.U.T. 
I don't know how long it took, but I remember waking up and they were transporting me into a recliner looking chair that had wheels.  They wheeled me back in with Ryan and let me try to get my wits about me again.  I wasn't feeling any pain quite yet, but I was extremely anxious... and probably a little irritable if you asked my husband.  One of the embryologists poked her head in the door and asked how I was doing.  When I said fine, she told me that they got 12 eggs.  She said it in a manner that sounded positive, but before she could peek her head back out, I was already in tears.  I was hoping for many more than 12.  At that point, I just wanted to get the hell out of there, so I told the nurse I was feeling great and asked to get dressed... all the while still fighting back tears. 
Now mind you, when I had my first monitoring ultrasound, my doctor told me he guessed that we would get around 12 eggs.  So this should be a good thing, right?  Except for I don't like to do anything unexceptionally and my overachieving crazy ass wanted 20-25, only because I know that some people get that and that it was possible. 
Anyway, I went home, took some Vicodin, and slept on the couch for the rest of the day.  In a nut shell, I looked about 4 months pregnant, I couldn't fully pee, and it felt like someone punched me in the stomach about a thousand times.  Not so fun.  But, I found out that Vicodin really helps me sleep soundly... haha. 

FRIDAY: 1st Phone Call from Embryologist
I sat on pins and needles all morning Friday waiting for my phone to ring.  When they finally called, it wasn't as good of news as I was wanting.  Of my 12 eggs, only 8 were mature, and of those, only 7 fertilized.  So in a days worth, I went from 12 chances to 7.  The embryologist sounded a little discouraged on the low maturity rate, but was happy that 7/8 fertilized.  Then he said "Well, next time, we will have to try some different drugs to try to get a better maturity rate."  Um, I'm sorry.... There better not freaking be a next time! 
For the next 2 days as I recovered on the couch, all I could think about was my 7 little embryos in those petri dishes, and how absolutely crushed I would be if they all start dying.  I mean, obsessive.  Fully.  Like hours at a time on the internet researching the survival rates for 1 day old embryos.  Ridiculous, but true. 

SUNDAY: 2nd Phone Call from Embryologist
Again, pins and needles all morning waiting on the phone call.  When it came, I was much happier than the last.  All 7 (my husband calls them the lucky #7) were still alive and growing.  She said that a few of them have pulled ahead of the pack and look like the rockstars, but as of today, there's nothing wrong with any of them.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, relief.  It's funny how attached I am to them already and they only have between 6-10 cells right now.  I mean, they are my kids.  Literally, my kids.  I try not to think too deeply about it or I get all teary eyed.  PLEASE don't die.  PLEASE just hang in there for 37 more hours so I can put you back where you belong! 

This whole thing is a crazy ride, but the last few days have been nerve wracking and painful.  It seems so close, yet so far away still.  Our embryo transfer will be Tuesday at 1:00.  We are just hoping and praying that they all make it until then.  Come on Lucky #7, mama's rollin' the dice.......  

Triggered!

Today we took one more step towards our hope of becoming parents.  We triggered and are scheduled for egg retrieval surgery Thursday morning at 8:00am.  Yahooooo.

It's not without a little bit of drama though.  During the ultrasound, I had a 21mm, a 20mm, a 18.5 and a 18mm follie... and then a bunch of other ones that were growing but not quite 18mm yet.  My doctor's rule is they trigger when you have 4 follicles bigger than 18, so I qualified for my HcG shot today.  But then, he had to go and F with my mind and stand there and debate what to do with me.  He was going back and forth for at least 5 minutes which was excruciating for me.  Basically, he was debating whether to let the eggs grow for an extra day and let more of the small ones catch up, or go ahead and go with what we have now.  My estrogen levels had increased nicely from 660 to 2300.  The deciding factor was that my progesterone has started to increase.  It was 1.2 yesterday and apparently if it gets to 2.5 that "is a very bad thing."  I'm not sure why, but I think it has something to do with the progesterone decreasing the quality of the eggs.  So with that, he said "let's do this." 

After I got dressed, I headed out and nurse Leslie mixed my trigger shot for me and put it in a baggie for me to take home.  Then she went through a 5 page packet of instructions for the next few days and all the different medications and injections I'll need to add now.  They sent me home with the trigger and I headed to work for the rest of the day. 

The trigger shot needs to be given exactly 35 hours before egg retrieval to allow enough time for the eggs to go through their final maturation process, but after 36 hours, you run the risk of ovulating on your own, which is the worst thing that could happen, as they would never be able to find the eggs once they are released from the follicles.  So, my trigger had to be given at 9:00pm tonight.  My hubby is queasy and unable to give me my shots that have to go in the butt, so I had to call on my mama. 

For some reason, I have a feeling she kinda enjoyed jabbing me with a needle.  She was proud of me that I didn't even flinch, but pretty irritated that I was going to take her picture.  She wants a disclaimer put in here that she had just gotten out of the pool and didn't do her hair or makeup.

So, there's no turning back now.  In less than 2 days we will know how many eggs we have and shortly thereafter will know how many fertilized.  And, in less than a week, I will have embryos inside of me trying to snuggle in, implant, and turn in to our baby.  Hold on tight!

Almost there...

Well, I'm getting pretty hopped up on the drugs and it's finally doing something.  Today, my follies were much bigger than Friday, which made me very happy because I feel like I'm carrying around two grapefruits in my abdomen.  I'd be pretty sad if I had all that pressure and yuck and not have seen growth.  However, we aren't quite cooked enough I guess.  My doc likes to trigger when you have 4 follicles at or above 18mm big.  Today, we had 1 at 19mm, 2 around 17mm, and then a bunch around 12-15.  So, more needles, more drugs, and more waiting (impatiently). 

I go back tomorrow morning for another blood draw and ultrasound.  We will either get the green light to trigger tomorrow evening (mama gets to give me that shot) or I will have to go back again on Wednesday and we will trigger that evening.  At this point, it doesn't really matter to me.  We are already way off schedule, so I just will do whatever he says is the right thing to do.  Work can wait I suppose.

Speaking of work, we bought a building today.  No big deal.  hahah.
I'll include more about that later, but I think it's going to be awesome and I'm so happy that everything worked out.  So, now I have 2 practices, 2 buildings, 1 associate doctor, 1 house, 2 almost paid off cars, and 1 amazing husband... everything that I can control is in place... now, we just need 1 (or 2 or 3) babies to finish the picture.  If only I could control that too....  

Finally some growth... and a big dose of generosity

We had our second monitoring appointment on Friday morning and we finally have something happening.  The right ovary had 6 follicles, the largest one at 10mm and the left ovary had 5 that he measured, all less than 9mm.  I believe that there a few more smaller ones in there, but my doc was a little preoccupied talking to my husband about music and baseball.  This annoyed me a bit, but I was just so relieved to see something in there that I let it slide.  He told me to stay on the higher dose and that I don't have to come back until Monday morning. 

 Ovary with no follicles

Ovary with growing follicles.  Somewhere in those bubbles is a tiny egg.

Due to the increased dose of follistim that we did not anticipate, I was quickly running out of meds.  I had signed up for the Out Of Pocket Meds Donation program on my message board community.  The program matches women who had successful cycles and no longer need some of their pre-ordered medications to women who are getting ready to start their cycles and do not have insurance coverage for infertility.  Although friends and family try very hard to understand what this process can do to you, the only people that can possibly fully "get it" are those who have actually walked these treacherous footsteps. 

Friday, I was doubly blessed.  I was matched with a woman named Maria from New York who had a vial of 900 units of follistim.  I paid for her to overnight it to me.  900 units of follistim would have cost me another $762.  So, due to someones extreme generosity toward a perfect stranger who they only have an empathetic connection to, my day got better.  Then, at the doctor's office, my favorite nurse Leslie gave me 2 more vials of 300 units.  So, in one day, I was donated another $1,270.00 worth of egg producing meds.  I can't imagine having to put that much more money on my credit card at this point.  I am so thankful. 

My package with donated follistim... better than any Christmas present I've ever gotten.

Quinn was pretty happy too

My free meds for the cycle.  I wish all of them were free.

How it all works....

Today is day 7 of stims.  I'm starting to feel a little full in the ovary zone and the headaches are pretty constant at this point.  I am wishing and hoping and praying and begging that the increased dose of follistim was enough to get my ovaries to stop taking their sweet ass time.  We head to the doctor tomorrow at 8:30 for another check and I'm happy Ryan can go with me since he is off work.

I've had a few friends and family members say that they are kinda unsure how this whole thing works.  These 2 videos should give you a pretty good overview of what we are doing. 







 And because I'm a little tired from floating in the pool today, here's a little photo dump for you to finish off the night. 

Meds Schedule

Boxes of Meds

Here's what's going inside of me... olggggg.

 Few days old from day 5 of stims...

And here's my princess puppy hanging out with me in the pool today.

Slow Start

Well today was my first monitoring appointment after starting the stimulating injections 4 days ago.  I am on a dose that is almost 3 times stronger than what I've been on before.  One would think that this would produce a lot of eggs pretty quickly.... One would be wrong. 

The vag cam showed a bunch (maybe around 8) super tiny follicles on the right ovary.  And the left had one super tiny one.  I, of course, immediately started to panic as I was staring at the screen, begging to see some nice looking follicles.  Doc noticed this and calmly told me that everything is fine, and that my ovaries are just having a hard time waking up from the lupron that put them to sleep.  I, the skeptic, didn't buy into his calmness. 

Before he left the room he patted my head and told me to stay on the same dose unless they called later that afternoon.  They had to wait to get the estrogen levels back from my blood work before he would know for sure.  Well, around 4:30, the nurse called and said that my E2 levels were pretty darn low and that he wants to increase the dose to try to speed things up a little.  So tonight, instead of 300, I injected 450units at once.  I am scheduled to go back Friday morning and will have another blood draw and ultrasound.  The hope is that there will be some decent looking follicles and that I don't get set back too many days. 

It's getting a little stressful because I have taken off work for certain days this next week based on the estimates that they gave me, but now, it's looking like all of those estimates will end up being incorrect.  There's still a chance that they will catch up, but I guess I won't know that for sure until I see it happen. 

So, it's been a slightly disappointing day, but not awful.  I guess being a constant overachiever makes me feel like I'm not growing follies as well as I should or could be.  There's not much that I can do about it, other than keep jabbing myself in the stomach, so that's what I shall do. 

Ready or not... Commence the Crazy.

Annnnnnnnddddd.... We're Off!

For the last 2 weeks, I've been on Lupron, birth control pills, baby aspirin, antibiotics, and prenatal vitamins in the hopes to shut all my hormones and ovaries down.  My doc explains IVF to me like this... you can either ramp up your ovaries super fast and then try to quickly shut them back down to retrieve the eggs before you can ovulate, or you can suppress your system so you cook your eggs low and slow (like a good brisket) and then hopefully have better timing in retrieval.  He says it's the difference between driving down a hill as fast as your car will go and slamming on the brakes at the bottom, or coasting down with your foot constantly lightly on the brake.  It's a lot easier to stop if you are coasting. 

My Lupron packet

So, anyhoo, we were on what they call the long lupron protocol.  Downfall was 5 pound weight gain, and having to wait a longer time before you start growing follicles.  Good news is that we will hopefully get more mature eggs at the end of the road.  It has been extremely frustrating though to wake up at 6am every morning, weekends included, and shoot myself in the stomach knowing that it's shutting everything down and not getting any closer to growing some follies.  It's like a kid on Christmas morning having to wait while everyone opens their presents in a circle one at a time.  It Takes For-FREAKING-Ever!

Well today, it's my turn on Christmas morning.  I went to Akron yesterday.  Had a vag cam & bloodwork and was told that I was sufficiently suppressed.  So now, we get to grow some eggs.  I dropped the lupron down to 5 units (from 10) and will continue taking that each morning (the foot gently on the brake).  But this evening, I got to start my Follistim. 

When we were doing IUI, I would inject 125units every night.  This usually resulted in 3-4 follicles at the end of the cycle.  Now, with IVF, we go big.  300units every night.  I like this needle much more than the lupron one.  Less pinch for sure. 

This is what $254 dollars looks like.

One of these every night...

 Day #1

I injected the Follistim about an hour ago and can already feel a nice little headache coming on.  But I'll take it.  Give me headaches, give me fatness, give me bruises like this from hitting veins:

Give it all to me... just please give me a baby when it's all over and done.  

5 pounds in 6 days... Impressive

Last Friday, I started my suppressing injections.  The drug is called Lupron, but it might as well be called sticks-of-pure-butter-every-fried-food-chocolate-coated-everything.  I have put on an additional 5 pounds... on top of the 15 that I have already gained during this 2 year process.  I have a double chin, my face is swollen, my arms jiggle, my ass has a nametag that says 'Kardashian', and my stomach is already starting to swell.  Sweet Baby Jesus. 

The kicker is that Lupron is not stimulating anything good to grow.  It's job is to put my ovaries and reproductive organs to sleep.  5 pounds may not sound terrible, but I just keep imagining how much more will come when I actually start stimulating eggs.  I would post a picture of me, except for I don't want to, so you'll just have to imagine the puffiness. 

Tomorrow is my last birth control pill (hopefully for my entire life).  I will continue injecting 10units of Lupron, taking doxycycline twice a day, baby aspirin, and prenatals until Friday the 12th, which is when the craziness starts and we get to finally grow some (hopefully lots) of eggs. 

So basically, the point of this post is to whine.  That's the great thing about this blog is I get to say whatever I want.  I want to say that I'm pissed off that I look like this.  Grr. 

Sometimes the best things in life are NOT free.

Today, we are ALL IN. 

We signed our consent form for our upcoming IVF. 
And we paid for it. 
In full. 
::Trigger the vomit reflex::

I haven't blogged in awhile due to a myriad of reasons, but today everything got serious, so today I'm back.  My first injections for IVF start Friday morning and I will continue shooting up until around the 3rd week of July.  While signing all 27 pages of the consent form, I kept reading about how there are never any guarantees.  There's no guarantee that our egg and sperm will make an embryo, no guarantee I will become pregnant with that embryo, no guarantee that I won't miscarry the baby if I do get pregnant, no guarantee that the baby won't have any birth defects, etc. etc. etc.

The odds of me actually getting knocked up is a little less that 50%. 

So roulette wheel, right?  Put your money down.  50% of the time you'll double your money and walk away a winner.  50% of the time, you lose it all. 

Well, today we bet $10,656.90 so far.  Allllllllll in.

Basic IVF= $7,300 
(includes visits, blood work, ultrasounds, trial transfer, egg retrieval with anesthesia, embryo care, embryo transfer back into me)
ICSI = $1,500
(intracytoplasmic sperm injection: This is an extra process we decided to pay for.  The embryologist will specifically pick the sperm that look the best and actually inject each mature egg with a hopefully super smart sperm.  This has been shown to lead to better fertilization rates.)
Medications =$1,856.90
(so far... I need to contact the second pharmacy in the morning to make a payment on the other half of the medications we need.  the office is really good at calling all the pharmacies to determine what to order from where to result in the lowest out of pocket costs)

At a time when everyone tells you to lower your stress and remain calm, they also ask you for 10K.  Now, don't get me wrong, we would pay it over and over and over again if we had to.  It's just really dis-concerning when we have now emptied our savings, checking, and every spare dollar we had just for a 50/50 chance.  Any normal person would say that's crazy.  But any infertile couple would do it at the blink of an eye.  We luckily got a very generous gift from my parents to help towards the payment this time, without which, we would have had to wait a few months until we saved up.  Regardless, it's a shit-ton of cash.  I asked for a shot of Petron after they handed me my receipt today.  The nurses laughed, but I was 100% serious. 

So today it begins... we are scared, nervous, excited, hopeful, doubtful... and officially broke. 

And then, sometimes, everything just crumbles.

This is not the post that I envisioned writing.

Damn it.  

I am one strong lady... but this last week has broken me to a point that I'm not sure I'll ever fully return from.  This entire journey has been grueling, exhausting, expensive, frustrating, painful (emotionally and physically) - just awful - and I kept myself going by repeating the mantra that it can't get much worse. 

And then, just like that, both of my worst nightmares came true.

A week ago, my freshly married, hopelessly immature, incredibly poor, emotionally unstable baby sister told me that she was pregnant.  ::Insert gasps::  From what I could gather, this was on purpose and she is due in December.  My first question was "are you joking?"  (No)  My second question was "are you happy about this?"  (Yes)  I stood there in utter silence, just staring at her while my entire body started to shake.  She stared back and then muttered "Sorry" with about as much emotion as a my left thumb.  I lasted about 8 seconds looking at the floor with tears starting to burn my eyes and told her I had to leave.  Then I ran for the door, and collapsed into my husband's truck.  It was a terrible mix of sobbing, hyperventilating, heaving, and yelling "no, no, no, why, why, why, oh my god, why, no."  Now, I have cried hard before, but this was insanity.  It is really hard to explain how badly that hurt, but I can tell you honestly that I thought I was going to have to be sedated.  The crying comes and goes still, but the numbness that I've gotten really good at feeling has started to take over. 

See, I had this vision in my head.  Every former infertile always tells you that one day, it will all be worth it.  My mom really wants a grandchild.  Before she knew that we were having 'problems' she would squeeze in some mention of wanting me to get pregnant pretty much every time I saw her.  My vision was me and Ryan, in the hospital room, holding our baby/babies with my mom looking over us.  We are all crying, and I would look at my mom and just say "We did it."  I can see the look on her face, looking at her much awaited first grandbaby.  And now, my sister stole that moment from me.  On purpose.  And I'm pretty sure I will never fully forgive her for that.  The pain of going through our journey and treatments has now been magnified by a gazillion.  It hurts.  Really, really bad. 

Fast forward to Mother's Day: I do not get a positive pregnancy test, nor did I for the 4 days before that that I tested.  My sister tells one side of my family about her "good" news.  (NO, I was not there when she told them.  In fact, I made up an excuse to not go be with my family because I knew she would be there.  I cannot be held accountable if I punch her in the face, so I have to avoid her at all possible costs for the next 6 months).  And then, I start to spot.  And I crumble some more. 

So, that's all pretty terrible, right?  It can't get worse, right?  Ohhh, incorrect batman. 

I went to see my Doc yesterday to check for cysts and for what I thought would be the start of our last injectable IUI cycle.  He did not find any cysts, which was extremely surprising, and a sprinkle of decent news.  But then, he looked at me in a way that he hasn't before and asked how I was doing?  Perhaps he could see my emotional scars written across my face?  Or perhaps the vag cam has some magical emotion reading power that can tell him when I'm about to head to the nuthouse.  I didn't even have time to answer him before he started to tell me that everything has been perfect for the last 7 cycles and we have had no success.  Not even a hint of a pregnancy.  And we are approaching 2 years of trying.  He had originally said he might try one more IUI, but yesterday, he changed his mind.  It's still my decision what to do, but he is no longer convinced that IUI will work for us.  He is wondering if there is a problem with the actual fertilization of the egg with the sperm, or maybe the fertilized egg can't find it's way out of the tube, or who knows? 

Worst nightmare #2: He said that he thinks that IVF may be the only viable option for us, and the few pieces of my sanity I had left crumbled to the floor.  He went on to say that he doesn't want us to waste another $1,300 on another IUI cycle that does not have good odds of working now, when we could put that towards the astronomical cost of IVF.  In his words, he wants to end the madness.  And I agree with him.  I've been to over 40 appointments in the last year, missed countless hours of work, and spent a shit ton of cash.  Madness is a good way to describe it. 

So, Ryan and I have a consultation appointment on the 28th to discuss IVF with him and determine what our protocol will be.  I am on birth control pills to rest my ovaries.  And it has been a whirlwind of thoughts and decisions and emotions.  I honestly did not think that it would come to this.  I don't understand why this has to happen to us. 

Crumbled, indeed.  

CD19: Waiting is the worst part

Today we are 3days post IUI and I feel like crap.  Let me fill you in on the week...

On Monday, we woke up at 5:00, got ready, collected hubby's 'sample', and arrived in Akron at 6:30 with the goods.  You have to fill out a two sided form when you drop it off, they copy your drivers license, and sign the cup - it all takes about 5 minutes, but it's nerve wracking every time because the thought is always in your mind that if you mess up the steps, you will be inseminated with some random strangers sperm and end up with a baby that does not look like your husband.  Our niece and nephews come out of the womb looking like clones of my husband, so it would be very evident if they screw up.  We asked Doc once if that ever happens, and he said it has happened, and that heads roll when it does, but assured us it was extremely rare.  YIKES. 

We went to Panera for cinnamon crunch bagels and some iced tea (Mannnnn... I miss my diet coke) and then had to be back to the hospital an hour later.  They took us back to the room, and the nurse had both of us verify the sample with husbands birthdate and name on it.  I hopped up on the table and looked at the ultrasound table, which had a People magazine with the headlining story being about Princess Kate and how she is preparing to be a mother.  (not cool, people... not cool)

After a 10 minute wait, one of the doctors came in (not our usual) and made us verify the sample again, which makes you a little more uneasy thinking about how often the mix-ups actually happen.  The doctor while verifying the sample with hubby said "Do you know this girl?"  Hubby nodded and snickered and then doc said "Well you're about to get to know her really well" and then told me to slide down and spread 'em.  It took every ounce of strength for us both to not laugh and/or be really creeped out.  The IUI took about 5 seconds after he got the speculum set, and he said it went perfect.  We had 40 million sperm after washing, which is really good.  Add that to 3 follicles, good uterine lining, being on baby aspirin to increase blood flow to my uterus, and using progesterone vag suppositories nightly to make sure my cycle doesn't start too soon and flush out the embryos before they have enough time to snuggle in... So, nothing could be more perfect.  The docs are very happy with all of our variables.  With that being said, there is still only a 25% chance that this will work.  Doesn't that SUCK? 

So after our prescribed and scheduled sexy time for 2 days after the IUI, now all we can do is wait.  It seems like that's all we ever do.  We get told a lot that it's ok... it's only one more month, or it's only a few months after your endo was removed, or in this case, it's only a 2 week wait... well let me tell you, after this long, and this much effort, each day that you just have to wait is pretty excruciating.  Add to that the fact that I'm extremely moody, swollen, and sore, and it gets worse. 

Regardless, we don't have any choice but to wait.  Our waiting will come to an end on Mother's Day this month, as that is 2 weeks after our IUI and the day we are supposed to test.  This can only end one of two ways.... Really Good, or Extremely Bad.  Hold tight Team Jen... it's going to be a bumpy ride.   

CD15: Shoot me up one more time

We went back to the doctor this morning (second Sunday morning in a row).  On Wednesday when I was there, I had about 8 follicles, but the biggest one was only 14mm and the rest of them were around 10mm.  Even though none of them were mature yet, my blood estrogen level came back slightly uncomfortably high, so they had me back down the injection dose from 125 to 100 and return today for a recheck.  They were worried that I might overstimulate and have to cancel the cycle due to having too many follicles. 

Doc walked into the room in jeans and a polo, which I totally dig, as I hate working weekends myself and usually chose to "let" my staff dress casually on Saturdays, just so that I can wear jeans too.  Anyway, vag cam came out, got lubed up, and off we went.  He found 3 follicles: two of them are 18mm, one was 17.5mm, and there was a straggler on one side that was 15mm - which probably will not catch up in time. 

Doc was happy, I was happy, and we agreed to have the nurse give me my trigger, and return tomorrow morning bright and early for IUI #6.  Then, I just had to go and ruin the mood and ask the hypothetical question of what are we going to do if or when we find out that this round failed.  He took a deep breath, thought for a second or two and said his medical opinion would be to try one more IUI with injectables, and if unsuccessful, hubby and I would have to decide what we are comfortable doing next.  The options he provided were foster parenting, adoption, being childless or pursing the ever expensive (and of course out of pocket) IVF (invitro-fertilization).  To which I replied without any hesitation, "we will be doing IVF."  Perhaps I should have asked my husband what he thought, but I already know what he wants, so I spoke quickly for both of us.  Doc nodded and said he knew that's what I'd say (haha) and told me to ask the nurse to set up an IVF consultation so that we can sit down and discuss the ins and outs beforehand so we aren't scrambling to figure out what we are doing once (or if) my period comes.  I was happy to have the extra 5 minutes of discussion time with him, so it made going in on a Sunday on 4 hours of sleep very worth it. 

I took a deep breath, put my pants back on, and the nurse came in to administer my trigger shot.  Let me tell you, that thing hurts like a mother f-er.  It's a huge pinch and it burns.  For some reason, this one hurt more than normal, but yet, after she was done, I said "thank you."  I didn't really mean it, but it seemed like the right thing to say at the time. 

So, tomorrow, we go back to Akron for IUI #6.  Everything seems to be perfect again, but don't be fooled, it's been perfect 5 out of 6 medicated cycles yet we have never seen a positive test.  Today finished up National Infertility Awareness Week, so maybe fate will be kind and let tomorrow be the end of the Infertile Miserable Jen Year (almost 2)...  

CD 9: Grow follies grow

Sunday morning, the hubs and I headed in to check on my follicle growth, all running on about 5 hours of sleep.  We went to a concert the night before, which, for once was actually pretty good - my hubby & my musical tastes sometimes do not match up.  We got home at 1:30am and woke up at 6:30. 
<<side note: concerts are not quite as enjoyable when you don't drink a Bud Light.  Boo>>

Anyway, we got to see the lead doctor in the practice.  He was also the one who saw me after our last failed cycle and told me I had cysts again and left me in the room crying by myself.  Nevertheless, this was a happier visit.  He said my uterine lining was growing nicely, and measured at least 6 follicles.  Now, before you start thinking Ryan&Jen Plus 10, rest assured that not all of those follicles will mature.  They were all measuring about 8mm, so the plan was to return in 3 days for another blood draw and ultrasound. 

I did get a few questions answered, which was very reassuring.  I told him about the short luteal phase after our last 2 IUIs and asked if I should be taking progesterone.  Without even blinking he said "absolutely."  Perhaps I have a future in reproductive endocrinology... or perhaps I have researched like a crazy person and read every message board and blog written by people 'like me'.  He also suggested I take a baby aspirin daily to provide better blood supply to my uterine lining.  These are 2 new things that we will be doing this month, so I feel slightly more relieved that I'm not just pressing repeat on the last two cycles. 

So, until Wednesday, I just keep doing 125iu injections and keep trying to not bite anyone's head off.  The injections are the easy part.  Truth. 

CD6: Cyst free

My ultrasound Tuesday showed that the ovarian cysts were gone.  My doctor was in a craptastic mood, and was of course behind schedule, so I didn't get to ask many questions... but the plan is the same as the last two rounds.  Daily follistim injections, trigger when ready, and another IUI.

Here's how it all shakes out this month:
Questions?
- Do I need to use progesterone suppositories this month?  I barely made it to 11 days post ovulation last cycle, and I'm wondering if we didn't give the baby/babies long enough to snuggle in.  Grasping at straws here, but how in the world did we not get pregnant with 4 eggs?!?
- How long do I have before my endo starts growing back?
- Assuming this doesn't work, what the hell do we do next?  Keep trying?  Move on to IVF? 

Schedules?
- I'm going in Sunday morning to see how my follicles are looking. 
- Next Saturday we have a fundraiser walk for my friend's little son who has juvenile rheumatoid arthritis.  That is also CD14, which means that there is a high likelihood that our IUI will be that morning.  Suck!
- I met with my specialist for the first time last April.  One year with an infertility specialist is not a happy anniversary.  I got a Coach purse for my one year anniversary with my husband... it's really too bad I don't get another one from my doc.  Or a nice pair of diamond earrings.  1 carat.  Princess cut.  From Tiffany's. 

I'm not sure which doctor I'm seeing on Sunday, but I know it's not mine.  Maybe whoever it is gives out those 1 year earrings....  You can tell I've been at this game for too long now - rather than hoping to get pregnant, I now hope for new (free) jewelry. 

Month #20... and an angel?

Well, I'm hoping to get back in the saddle tomorrow.  My cycle started yesterday & I'm off to Canton tomorrow morning to hopefully see some cyst-free ovaries.  There has been drama today with trying to schedule my appointment tomorrow, and to be truthful, a lot of swear words coming out of my mouth.  I have been incredibly whiny on here lately, so I will spare you the details, but I. Was. Pissed.
 
It's all good though.  I've calmed down.  The nurses will live another day. 

Before I forget it, I need to tell you the dream I had Saturday night/Sunday morning.  As usual for my dreams, it kinda skipped around a little.  First, I was in my office, and all of the lights were flashing.  The slit lamps, the over head lights, everything.  And my staff had waited all morning before I came in to tell me about it or do anything.  So, I yelled and told them that was a really stupid thing to do and that I was really tired of having to do everything myself. 
Annnnnd........ Scene.

Skip to a theater-like room with red velvet curtains and gold statues in a big city somewhere.  I'm graduating... from what? I do not know.  But I do know that it was the 10 year anniversary of graduating from somewhere else... and I wasn't dressed up.  This part of the dream is a little hazy, most likely because it was pretty boring. 
Annnnnd...... Scene. 

Now..... THIS is where it gets interesting. 
After the graduation ceremony, I'm roaming the halls and I really have to pee.  I'm also dragging laundry bags with me and a bunch of other crap.  I finally find a bathroom, but it has a little door on it, so you can see me from the chest up and the knees down.  And the door won't stay shut, but I don't care because I have to pee soooo bad.  So there I am, mid stream, and I see an old man that resembles Colonel Sanders (kinda) staring at me.  I finish, pull my pants, and ask him if I can help him with something?  He comes into the bathroom and says he needs to show me something.  I tell him to hold on a second.  I wash my hands, and then am trying desperately to get all of my clothes into the laundry bags... they seemed to be multiplying.  He seemed slightly impatient, so I left the clothes alone. 

Are you ready for crazy?  'Cause this is where it gets crazy.
The old man says that he needs to tell me something and that I need to listen to him.  He opens a giant book and starts to talk.  He looks me straight in the eye and says "this is your story."  "This is your life."  As he speaks, his words are being written on blank pages in the book, almost like lighted laser writing, in very fancy script.  I must have looked freaked out, because he stopped for a second then said "Do not be scared.  I am an angel of the Lord.  I am here to tell you your story."  He talked a little more and I don't remember what he said, but the words kept being written in the book.  Then he paused and said "Are you listening to me?  You are going to have a child.  This is your story.  It is written.  Listen to me." 

Whoa.  Ok.  Got it. 

I woke up at that very moment and sat straight up in bed. 
Now, this could very well be the stress of this whole debacle catching up with me and trust me, some crazy thoughts go through my mind on a daily basis when I'm awake.  Some may argue that it was God telling me to calm down and trust in His plan.  I really don't know - maybe it was a mix of both of those.  I can tell you this though... if I end up pregnant this month, I will never forget that dream. 

I do what I want

A few days ago, I took my pants off for a different reason.  I wasn't waiting to get probed by the vag cam.  Wasn't waiting for them to stick me with needles.  Wasn't waiting for my doctor to tell me any more bad news.  I had a day off work, drove myself to Columbus, and got a 1 hour full body therapeutic massage.

It was AMAZING.

From my toes to my scalp, I just allowed myself to be pampered.  Although I couldn't totally shut my brain off for the entire hour, I tried very hard to push all thoughts of how incredibly sucky life has been out of my mind and let the masseuse dig the stress out of my neck, shoulders, and back.  In fact, during the massage, when she reached my neck muscles, she stopped and asked "um, what is wrong with you?"  HA!  I guess it's now medically proven that I carry the stress of this world on my shoulders - literally. 

Afterwards, I picked up lunch, and headed to one of my best friends' house.  We ate, played with her son, and I laid on her living room floor for about 4 hours just talking about anything and everything.  GLORIOUS. 

Then, I left to drive home, and ate Arby's cheese sticks and a diet dr. pepper for dinner in the car.  CLASSY. 

Right now, I have no idea of what day of the cycle this is and I do not care.  I haven't updated the blog in a long time mostly because I have been in a very dark place for the last few weeks.  We are benched again due to cysts and I am so angry at life.  I will update in the next few days with details about what comes next in the quest for our baby, but until then, just know that life in my world sucks.  I'm trying to cope as well as I can, and the above story is a way that I tried to make it through. 

I don't have kids.  There are a lot of things that I cannot do while I'm in a treatment cycle.  So I took advantage of both of those things and took an entire day to be lazy, relaxed, and do/eat/say/think whatever the hell I wanted.  After all the craziness I've been through, I deserved it. 

CD1: The Definition of Insanity

Insanity= Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Well if that is true, I deserve a straight jacket by now. 

I woke up this morning with the expectation of peeing on a stick and having it change my life.  Instead, I peed on a stick and realized that I have to relive the exact same thing that I've been doing over and over for the past 6 months.  No life changer there, other than a little bit more bitterness added to my heart. 

Not only did I have to watch the stupid stick stay stark white, but I literally started my cycle within minutes of that - with cramps that would blow your mind.  If it had worked, my due date would have been the day after my birthday... but it can't be that easy or nice, of course.   

So here we are again.... back to square one.  I am so incredibly pissed off that I can't even put it in to words.  I've been pissed before, but the level of my anger today is like nothing I've ever felt in my entire life...

I. Do. Not. Understand. Why. 

Now, if you'll pardon me, I need to drink.  Heavily.  

7 days after trigger: My poor body.

As I sit here watching the Biggest Loser Finale show, I can't help but to be sad about the not-so-awesome changes that my body has gone through over the last 19 months.  I have gained 15-18 pounds since our wedding (it's hard to know what my 'exact' weight is as it fluctuates a lot with the meds).  I'm not allowed to run, do tae bo, kickbox, or anything else that causes jiggling or bouncing of my ovaries.  Hyperstimulation (what I've been doing since August) of the ovaries causes them to enlarge.  If you jostle them too much, they can twist and cut off the blood supply, and your ovaries can die.  I may have said that in a previous post, but it still blows my mind that it's true.  Everything on me is bigger, except for my self confidence, which is much smaller.  

So let me get this straight... infertility causes depression which causes a lack of energy or will to do much of anything.  The hormones that I am pumping my body full of cause you to gain weight.  Because I am taking those hormones, I am not allowed to work out, which causes me to gain more weight.  My ass bigger... and definitely not amused. 

There's also "the bloat".  For me, my body does this a few days after my trigger shot and lasts for about a week.  It started Saturday when I woke up, had to pee SO bad, and hardly could.  Today, it got even worse, so I took a picture for you.  I'm not happy about it, but I suppose it's good to show what all of these shenanigans are doing to me. 

So me, my 3-4 month pregnant looking stomach, and my grumpy mood are signing off for the evening.  Hoping that tomorrow is nicer than today in all aspects, and that I don't have to wear my maternity pants and can zip up a regular pair.  Baby steps of hoping in my quest and hope for a baby I suppose. 

CD 16: And the waiting has begun...

I am now 3 days post IUI#5.  Tuesday was the big day, and hubby had great numbers... 45 million swimmers :)  So, what are the odds that 45 million sperm can find 3 eggs, fertilize one or all of them, implant properly, and grow a human??  About 20%.  Not fantastic odds, but I suppose we have a chance... "So you're telling me there's a chance?"

While I was laying on the table afterwards, I couldn't feel happy or sad or scared or hopeful.  Although I was hopeful that 2013 would be our turning point, it has been nothing but exhausting, disappointing, and downright mean to us.  At that moment in time, I just felt a sense of nothing.  I had done what I could, and other than a few doctor prescribed rolls in the hay that night and the next, there was nothing left to do but to wait.  I don't hope anymore, I just wait. 

Here's a very sleepy me that morning, waiting.

So now, we are in the midst of the dreaded 2 week wait.  I have a lot of work related items to get done, but I am needing to find some sort of project to do to keep my mind busy.  I really want to paint our hallway and I also need to make a headboard for our new bed - I just need to pick which one to tackle.  I will just be damned sure that whatever I do will not involve needles of any kind.  This girl needs a break. 

**ps: Today is one of my bestest friend's birthday.  She has been there for so many good times and many of my life's awful times... and still loves me regardless :)  Happy birthday Steph - thanks for always being there when I need you, especially now.  Love you!

CD12: Ready or not, here we go again

Here we are - on the eve of our 5th IUI - and as usual I am a bundle of nerves.  I had bloodwork and another ultrasound today, and 3 nice follies popped up on the screen.  One @ 19.5mm and two @ 16.5mm.  

Thank you 8lb 6oz Baby Jesus, hallelujah, let the angels sing, cha ching, booyah!

My estrogen (E2) level checked in at 1270 (200-400 per mature follie), which means they are all mature too.  The nurse gave me my trigger shot, had a little heart to heart about how she is so hopeful that this works, scheduled me for an insem tomorrow, and booted me out the door.  Of course, I instantly started questioning the size of the follies, the levels of estrogen, and worse than all, already began thinking what if this doesn't work.  It is impossible to be positive.... I swear on my Grandma's meatballs.  

So, the plan is to wake up at 4:30, leave at 5:30 with hubby's sample tucked in against my cleavage and drive like a crazy woman to Akron.  Drop the sample off, wait for Subway to open, eat some breakfast and sleep a little in the waiting room downstairs, head back up at 8am and get inseminated.  Then, awesomely, drive back to Wooster and work 10a-7p.  Needless to say, it is a process.

I have been waiting since January to have another chance to try.  All this work, just for a crapshoot of a try.  All it takes is one egg and one sperm, yet it has been so challenging so far... how is that even possible?  The only thing I can do is hope our fortune will change, and in that regard, this was in my cookie with my chicken lo mein today... puhlease let this mean something...

 

 

CD11: Back in the game, biznatch!

Well, hey folks.  I've been missing in action for a few days.  Life has been nothing short of crazy. 

Let me catch you up real quick:
- FINALLY started my cycle last Thursday
- Went in for ultrasound last Friday to find ovaries were cyst-free (hoo-freaking-ray!)
- Started on daily injections the next day
- Another ultrasound 3 days ago and bloodwork: ultrasound showed 5 follicles growing
- Instructions were continue 125iu of follistim daily and recheck follies Monday morning. 

There are questions and thoughts continuously swirling through my head.  Did the lap surgery help my chances?  What are we going to do if this round doesn't work?  When can I feel normal again? --> *actually, most everyone that knows me would say I have never been 'normal'. 

So, sometime within the next 3 days will probably be our insemination if all goes according to plan.  I am not feeling negative, but I am definitely not feeling positive either.  The infertile numbness officially set in about 4 months ago so that's kinda normal for me now.  I will update tomorrow night after I know a little bit more.  Until then.... sweet dreams of needles and alcohol pads....

Post-op Appointment

Today was my post-op after my lap.  I shaved my legs last night, and all for nothing!  Apparently, today was just for talking - no vag cam necessary.  I sat in the exam room for 70 minutes waiting for him to come in.  I swear to you, I have the patience of a freaking saint.  My blood pressure was soaring by the time he opened the door. 

He showed me 24 pictures of my insides that he took during my procedure.  Good news... I have a uterus!  Next came the pictures of my paratubal cyst.  I felt silly snapping a pic on my phone but it looked like a clear balloon with blood vessels around it.  He assured me today that he removed the entire thing, and he said he has no way of telling if that cyst had any baring on our poor baby making luck.  

Lastly, he showed me the pictures of my endometriosis.  It was located on the posterior cul de sac of the pelvis.  According to Moon-dog, this is the most important area of the pelvis when it comes to creating a human.  The ovaries hang down into the cul de sac, which means the ovaries, ends of fallopian tubes, back of the uterus and intestines are susceptible to the disease.  

It looked very similar to this: (the discolored areas are the endo)

So, of course, he lasered it away, and hopefully lasered our 

troubles, disappointment, and sadness away with it. 

Now, for the part that you've been waiting for.  I got the ok to stop my birth control pills today, and the plan is to wait for my cycle to start (hopefully within 1-2 days), do a day 3 ultrasound to make certain the ovarian cysts are gone, and then start back up on the daily injections.  IUI #5 to follow sometime hopefully mid march.  I'm hoping that this is the turning point for us.  It has been an incredibly long and tiring journey and this girl is about wiped out.  There is a saying "the harder to get, the better to have".  If that is true, this child is going to be superkid, strikingly good looking, never ever get in trouble, and probably find the cure for cancer.  Can't freaking wait.  Ha.

Being the Cool Aunt is second best

I have a new little buddy. 

He's handsome, smells good, and very cuddly... 

and he stole my heart instantly.  

You may be asking yourself how an infertile like myself handles a new baby in the family.  Well, there are a wide range of emotions, but at the end of the day, he is my nephew, and I would throw myself in front of a train to save him.  I want to teach him how to be a respectful man, just like his uncle.  I want to have movie night sleep overs and let him eat way too much candy and run wildly around the house like a little sugar-high crazy man.  I want to smother him in kisses and hugs, even when he's too old and it's not "cool" to love your family anymore.  

The phone call from my sister-in-law was excruciating when she called to tell me she was pregnant.  Not for me, but for her.  She had known of our troubles for about 5-6 months at that time.  We had had our first appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist 2 months before.  And we had been trying for 9 months at that time.  She was very upset, and I'm sure it was extremely hard for her to tell me.  They had put off trying for a little bit to try to let us have our "happy moment" first, but this is the way the cards were dealt.  I would be lying if I said I didn't cry after I got off the phone, but I quickly recovered.  How could I possibly be upset about another nephew?  

My next thoughts were "well, it's totally fine, because I will be pregnant for sure by the time that he is born, and then it won't sting at all, and then our babies can grow up together."  Well, obviously that didn't quite work out.  I had my laparoscopy 4 days before he was born.  And when I got to meet him last weekend, I just stared down at him while holding him and resting him against my fresh scars.

 

Life works that way sometimes.  You can plan all you want and hope that things work out just how you'd like.  But it's not going to happen like that.  

You roll with the punches, cry when you're in private, smile when you're in public, and most importantly - for me at least - you focus all your love on 3 little people.  

Hurry up and freaking wait

Happy Valentines Day, peeps.  This used to be one of my favorite days of the year.  This year, not so much, but then again, I don't have a lot of favorite things lately.  If you're looking for hearts and flowers and sweetness, look away... quickly, 'cause you aren't gonna find any of that crap here today. 
Wah wah wah... blah blah blah.

Our journey to parenthood has of course not been much fun, and it's seeming to intensify in it's suckiness. Yesterday, I played phone tag 6 times trying to be able to talk with a nurse at my clinic.  You have to keep leaving voicemails, and then they call back, but when you have my job, you are never able to answer the phone.  I called to ask 2 questions:
- How bad was the endo?  Mild, moderate, severe, trainwreck?
- I have 3 days of birth control pills left, then will start next cycle.  Can I please pick back up with treatment?

Pretty easy questions in my opinion.  Well, nothing is easy when you are an infertile.  This is what the nurse said when I finally got to talk to her:
"Hi Jen, I talked to Dr. M and he said that he talked with your husband right after surgery to tell him everything, but yes, he did find endometriosis.  Also, you have to have a post-op visit before we can come up with a plan.  Let's go ahead and get that scheduled for next week."
So... a lot of talking, but no answers to the questions. 

I heard back from them today, telling me that he wants me to continue on with another pack of bc pills, without letting myself have a period, so my fingers are crossed that means that he is maybe considering letting me start back up after I see him on the 22nd.  All I know for sure is that I had a mini-meltdown yesterday when I was realizing how long we have been at this and that we might be on the cusp of adding another wasted month.  OY!  My mind works like this:
'Ok, I let you cut me open, you cleaned my shit up, now let's get the freaking ball rolling and knock me up already, like now!'
My mom got frustrated with me yesterday while I was venting, telling me that I just had surgery and need to cool it and stop acting like my father.  I understand that (all three of those things are true), but it seems to be pretty hard for everyone to understand that I am now in month #18 without a positive test, or much of anything positive for that matter. 

Take a moment, soak that in.

  18 months.  

And I can't do a damn thing about it.  

Depressing, right?  Sorry...

I'm just in one of those moods and I've learned that I just have to wait until the mood passes.  In a few days, I'll be 'fine' again and able to force my fake smiles and act like I'm functioning at a high level.  But for today, I just want to be pissed. 

Just so I don't leave you all feeling like you just watched a super sad movie, I'll post a pic of my sweet valentine.  She still loves me, pissed or not. 

Lap Results: He found a Mess... YES!

Howdy y'all.  I'm back amongst the living.  Yesterday was a very long day.  We left the house at 9:45a and got home at 11p.  Moon-dog was behind all morning (surprise, surprise) so my pre-op appointment that was supposed to be at 10:45 actually happened at 12:15.  He basically just talked with Ryan and I about what was going to happen and then we went downstairs to the same day surgical center.  Right before we left his office, he said the famous last words, "I know I'm running behind, but my first surgical case before you should be short and sweet, so we will probably start on time."  As a doc myself, I know you should never promise those things.  It's Murphy's Law.  

Well, they got me prepped, put my IV in, took me upstairs to the surgical center, then kicked my hubby and mom out to the waiting room.  I laid there for a good 45 minutes, and a nurse came over saying that she called my family back in to sit with me for awhile because the case before me was taking much longer than expected.  And when I say much longer, I mean he was in there with her for 2 hours when it should have been 30 minutes.  Doc came into where I was waiting to apologize for being behind, and then proceeded to tell us that the case before had a fibroid tumor that filled her entire uterus and he broke 2 roto-rooter tools while trying to break it up.  He looked exhausted, and I thought to myself "that's probably not the best thing to say when you're about to open me up doc." 

The anesthesiologist then injected something into my IV to help me relax, I said bye to my family and they wheeled me back.  I think I have about 30 seconds of memory from there on.  The last thing I recall was the anesthesiologist saying "ok doc smith, go ahead and take a deep breath" and I remember the gas smelling disgusting. 

I woke up in the recovery room with mom and Ryan staring at me.  My throat hurt so bad from the intubation and I immediately started complaining that I was hungry and wanted Chick-fil-a. (it was about 7pm when I woke up)  They told me that I wasn't allowed to leave until I peed, so I started chugging fluids while Ryan went to fill my pain meds.  All in all, this is what I drank:
-2 cans of ginger ale
-a bottle of diet dr pepper
-2 hospital pitchers of water
-small bottle of gatorade
-cup of hot tea

... and after all that, I couldn't pee.  They cathed me during surgery, and I had gone so long without fluids that I was awfully dehydrated.  I was getting very irritated at the nurses, so I just went and sat in the bathroom for 15 minutes and forced some out.  I was so proud of myself, called the nurse in, and she said it wasn't enough and I had to go more.  Um, excuse me biznatch?  So, my mother, being the good nurse she is, grabbed my IV bag and opened it all the way and started squeezing the fluids into me as I chugged more water.  About 15 minutes later, I was able to go again, and the begged to get the hell out of there.  We left the hospital at 10:15pm... and then went to Wendy's because Chick-fil-a was closed.  Boo! 

I'm pretty sore today and also pretty sleepy.  The incision he made at my hip bone hurts pretty bad.  I woke up every hour, on the hour last night to pee because I was so full of fluids (stupid nurse).  But it's all worth it, at least, I hope so.  Doc found multiple cysts and endometriosis and told Ryan that he "took care of it all".  So, we are hopeful that that was the root cause of our reproductive woes.  Honestly, I would have been enormously pissed off if it was all rainbows and a pot of gold in there, so I am so happy there was a mess.  Does it suck to have to deal with endometriosis now... yes.  But at least we have some sort of 'problem' to blame all this on. 

I'm not certain what the next step is, or when the next step gets to happen, so I will call the office on Monday to get some more answers.  Until then, I'm parked on my couch for the weekend watching basketball and cooking shows, and eating an insane amount of popsicles to help with this sore throat.  Oh, and the vicodin is pretty nice too :)  Somebody get me a cocktail!...