Going back to my old ways

My life has a lot of stress.  I usually thrive on it.  Work stress, dog stress, paying-my-stupid-student-loan stress.  I function better and faster the more stress I have.  I learned that skill from my mama.  

There is one type of stress that I just cannot deal with though: Sad stress.  My mind doesn't know how to handle it.  I can't function.  Can't think.  And usually can't feel.  Many of my best and oldest girl friends will be able to recall a time when I was sad-Jen.  And there's usually one thing that I would do... I would paint something. 

I'm a crafty girl.  For heaven's sake, I have acquired the nickname of Martha (as in Mrs. Stewart, of course).  There is something magical that happens when I'm covered in paint.  My head clears.  I tune out of my troubles.  I go to my happy happier place.  In college, my media was usually a canvas or some sort of decorative item.  I still have some of them stuffed away in a box in the basement.  Why? I do not know. 

Well, life's newest lesson is that it's troubles get bigger and grander as we get older.  So I had to up my painting ante to deal with my most recent news of getting benched.  So I painted an entire room.  By myself.  Bought the paint and painted it all in one day.  I picked my guest/maybe someday kids' bathroom to start with.  (I have more painting in mind for the next couple weeks... stay tuned for that)


As you can see, it was very dingy with the original white paint from when they built the house in 1994.  We are only ever in here to give Quinn a bath, and when we have a rare overnight guest, it gets a little use.

What was the inspiration?  Well, my favorite store, of course... 

I took a box with me to the local Sherwin Williams and had them mix me up a custom color to match it perfectly.  $49.00, a brush, roller, and paint later, I was ready to get started. 

    Big Change...

I came up with an ingenious (if I do say so myself) way to paint around the toilet without worrying about tape or getting paint on the backside of the bowl.  Stretch a trash bag over it and feel free to get messy... not a drop on the potty after I was done.  **pats self on back**

And here is the final product.  I still need some picture frames and probably a shelf (all in white), and a super fluffy white rug... but this is close enough to finished for my cheesy little blog.  

 My Quinny girl did not like the fact that I had locked her out of the bathroom for 2 1/2 hours.  Once I opened the door, she wouldn't leave.  The entire time that I was painting, she was laying outside the door on the futon mattress, batting the door every now and then with her paw, just to let me know that she was still out there.  It was both flattering and annoying... haha. 

 So there it is.  House project number 1.  It was nice to feel like I was accomplishing something.  When life /God/whatever gives me something that I cannot control, I don't take it very well.  So this is my way of gaining some control.  If I don't even get to try to make a human this month, then you bet your sweet ass that I'm going to do something.  I felt proud of my paint and celebrated with a beer - one of the perks of not being knocked up.  I got drunk off of one beer - but I think perhaps the fumes may have played a role in that.  No matter... I have my own Tiffany's store in my house now and that makes me semi happy. 

CD3: Benched

So is there anything that feels worse to an infertile woman than getting her period after an expensive and exhausting treatment cycle?  Why, YES, there most certainly is.  And I got to experience it first hand today.  You can have your fertility doctor tell you he is writing you a prescription for birth control pills.  Yep, that's right, mother trucking birth control.  Counter productive at the highest level. 

Amazing hubby and I journeyed to the Akron office for my day 3 ultrasound and to talk with Doc about whether to do another round of injections or to do a laparoscopy first to make sure I don't have any scar tissue or endometriosis.  Doc came in, stated he was super bummed last cycle didn't work, and grabbed the trusty vag cam.  Uterus looks fine, left ovary looks fine, and he's calmly talking to hubby and I about next cycle's plan.  Then he swings over to the right side and I hear "Oh Jenny Jen".  Every time he has something not happy to tell me, he always calls me Jenny Jen.  No joke.  I could barely muster the strength to look at the monitor, and when I did, I knew instantly what I was seeing.  2 giant cysts in my ovary.  You may be thinking that this isn't good and you would be abso-freaking-lutely right.  Ovarian cysts are bad, and a semi-common side effect of follicle hyperstimulation (ie: shooting up with fertility drugs).  If you 'feed the cyst' with more drugs, they can grow even larger, cause torsion of your ovary and cut off the blood supply - ultimately causing you to lose the ovary and all of the precious eggs that live there... forever and ever, amen. 

The term that is used in fertility talk is "getting benched." That's exactly what it feels like.  You have to sit on the sidelines and just freaking wait some freaking more while everyone else gets to keep playing.  You miss out on the whole game.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, just sit in infertility purgatory.  Tears welled up for a second, but I held it back.  I'm glad hubby was there because Doc said a lot of different things and my head was kinda in a fog of depression.  I snapped back out of it when I heard him tell me he was writing a prescription for birth control.  Not that he doesn't want me to get pregnant on my own (hahaha- riiiiight, like that would happen), but he wants to make sure that I have a period in about a month.  With my history of 70+ day cycles, he doesn't want that to happen to me again.  So, 21 days of pills, then hopefully a period, then recheck to see if the cysts have shrunk.  There's no telling how long it will take for them to go away, but I'm on the bench until they do.

While we are on a forced break from treatments, he is going to schedule me for a lap surgery the 2nd week of February.  Basically it's exploratory surgery to see if there are issues in my pelvis that need to be laser burned off or scraped clean.  Cool, right?  Recovery from that is 4-7 days, by which time I should be almost done with my pills and hopefully ready to rock and roll again.

At this point, I'm stuck.  And super sad.  And pretty pissed.  And amazingly annoyed.  And freaking furious.  How & Why does this keep getting worse?

This is not mine, but close to what it looked like.  The big black areas are no good.   

   

CD25/CD1: Sometimes you just get numb

Life isn't fair to everyone.  There... I said it out loud.  You're just going to have to deal with it.  Sometimes, good things do not happen to good people.  Sometimes, everyone else seems to have what you want.  Sometimes doing the right things does not lead to getting what you deserve.

...Side note... 
I started my day skyping with a dear friend who unfortunately deals with the same crap that I'm going through.  Our conversations usually last at least an hour and consist of a lot of cussing and feeling sorry for each other.  As miserable as it sounds, it is therapeutic beyond belief.  I know she reads this blog and I know she was hoping so badly for me to make a different kind of post today, but I just wanted to send her a shout out and say "I love you, vanilla face, and I hope that some day everything works out.  I'm rooting for you sooo hard."
.....OK... back to your regularly scheduled programming. 

Around lunchtime, I started spotting.  That's not really normal for me, so I tried to remain hopeful.  I drove back from my inlaws and could feel the cramps starting.  It has continued to get heavier and crampier and about an hour ago, I pronounced this cycle officially over and a f-ing failure.  I didn't even make it the full freaking 2 week wait.  It is pretty discouraging when your doctor tells you everything went perfectly and it still doesn't work.

I've only cried a little.  I really am having a hard time feeling anything.  Maybe I don't want it to be real?  Maybe I just don't know if I'm supposed to be sad, pissed off, hopeful for another chance, scared of what's to come, or just indifferent.  The one thing I can definitely feel is pain in my heart.

Tomorrow morning I will have to call and ask my doctor what to do next and when.  It's a call that I was desperately hoping I wouldn't have to make.  Like I said, there's nothing fair about this.     
    

CD24: It's all about time

Today, I am 11days post IUI.  I promised myself I would be strong and not test at all until the 14 day mark.  As usual, I broke down... I mean, who can really go to the dollar store, buy 4 tests, and not have the sudden urge to pee on things??  So, mid afternoon, 10 days post IUI, I got to stare at a stark white test.  For education purposes, 10 days post ovulation only has a 35% chance of giving you an accurate pregnancy test... so the odds are not good that it was telling the absolute truth.  In the irrational mind-f*ck state of infertility though, that doesn't matter.  You still have to torture yourself.  The accuracy chart that is widely passed around looks like this:

HPT accuracy DPO
10 dpo : 35%
11 dpo : 51%
12 dpo : 62%
13 dpo : 68%
14 dpo : 74%
15 dpo : 80%
16 dpo : 88%
17 dpo : 92%
18 dpo : 99%

DON’T TEST EARLY

So, I'm at the inlaws for the next two days.  The bad news is that I forgot to bring my tests with me.  The good news is also that I forgot to bring my tests with me.  My next availability to test will be Tuesday morning, which will be 13 dpo.  I will not be updating on the next few tests for a few days, mostly because if by some miracle, it turns into a positive, I need to be able to tell our parents first.  And if it keeps showing a negative, I want to make sure I'm totally out before I put it in writing.  Let me just tell you that the waiting is excruciating.  

Time is cruel.  Especially when you've done all you can do, and then you just have to wait for two weeks.  It's like a really expensive lottery game.  So far this month,  I spent $1490 on the chance to enter the lottery drawing.  You buy your ticket, and then it's like you're sitting in a room staring at the lottery balls popping in the bin for 12-14 days straight - totally consumed.  Then, the lottery dude comes in and says you've waited long enough... There are 4 red non-winner balls in the hopper and only one green winner ball (only a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month).  You get one shot to get the green ball to pop to the top... the odds are not good, even when you have been pumped full of hormones and medicine.  All you can do is hold your breath and let it all ride.  

All I can do is keep waiting, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed with my stupid early negative test.  And until I get to see the 2 pink lines, I will continue to envision this picture in my head...  

CD16: Reset the focus

I am 3 days post IUI and I look like I'm about 3 months pregnant.  (wouldn't that be nice...)  I have bloated up like a balloon.  It's a little better today, but I worry a little about it.  Maybe this is what's supposed to happen when you ovulate 2-4 eggs at a time?  I'm just glad I can pee without wincing today. 

The amazing hubby had surgery yesterday on his shoulder.  I did not read through his pre-op paperwork, probably mostly because I've been so overwhelmed with my crazy uterus.  I had the day off, and on the way taking him to the surgical center, he was drinking some water.  You see, he thought "no food or drink" meant anything but water.  So we get there, they get his IV all hooked up, start giving him some meds, and the anesthesiologist comes in.  She was going through her checklist of things to say and then said, "you've had nothing to drink, right?"  Hubby says no, only a half bottle of water on the way in. 
She.  Freaked.  OUT! 
She started going off about how "what part of no food or drink don't you understand?" "You could aspirate during surgery and die"  Yadda yadda yadda.  As soon as she said die I couldn't hear anything else.  We both just looked at each other and he started sweating and shaking.  I was successful in trying not to cry, but my heart was beating out of my chest.  Seriously??  I could be currently pregnant with 1-4 babies and now I might be husbandless?  They kicked me out shortly thereafter and I had to kiss him and head to the waiting room. 

I sat there through the hour long waiting room feeling guilty.  If he died, it was going to be on me.  I'm the organized one.  I'm the one that makes sure our deadlines are met and we get where we need to be on time.  I'm the one who handles all of our medical stuff.  And I did not take the time to review his pre-op instructions.  Yes, I know he's a big boy and should have known to ask that, but I'm his wife and it's my job to make sure he is taken care of. 

Needless to say, he made it through surgery fine and all is good.  But I then realized that infertility has taken over every wrinkle in my brain.  It has been all that matters for months and months.  I never even took the time to consider worrying about my hubby's surgery.  Wow. 

So, as we go forward, I have promised myself that I will decrease the laser focus on my female area and make sure that I at least am aware of other stuff around me.  During the two-week-wait is a good time to start that as I'm trying desperately to find other things to think about. 

Oh, and I'm super glad that my hubby is still alive.  He's pretty great and kinda irreplaceable. 

CD13: IUI#4 is in the books

I'm sleepy, so this is may end up sounding a little rambly... 

We woke up at 4:45am.  I took a shower and shaved my legs (one of the worst things about having to get waist-down-naked so often).  Hubby took the dog out, did some dishes (I cannot tell you how much I love that he does the dishes), started my car and made some coffee.  I came downstairs, got my work stuff ready, and take a 2 minute cuddle on the couch with my very sleepy and confused dog.  Meanwhile, hubby goes upstairs to do his duty. 
(Side note: a sperm sample has to be to the clinic in less than one hour before they start dying.  We live 55-60 minutes from the Akron office.  I get a little stressed out making sure I get it there on time)
Hubby returns downstairs victorious, hands me the cup, and I shove it down my sweater like usual.  It has to stay warm, so the best thing is to keep it against your body.  Judge me if you will, it sounds weird, but you would do the same... trust me! I run to the car, throw it in reverse, and drive like a bat outta hell to the office.  49 minutes= a new personal best. 

I dropped off the sample, which involves paperwork, photo ID, social security numbers, etc and then they took it to count, wash and spin, and then count again.  They put it in "happy juice" to keep them swimming and alive and give them more energy than normal.  This whole process takes about an hour, so I went downstairs, got a subway breakfast sandwich and diet coke, and sat like a zombie until 8am. 
Back up the elevator I went, back to the waiting room I have sat in over 20 times, and back to that nervous feeling that it's all downhill from here.  They took me to the room, had me verify the sample (hubby always jokes that I'm going to pop out a mixed race baby one day and then we will get rich), and then I strip and jump up on the table.

I waited about 10 minutes - in which time I prayed begged God to please let this work this time. 

The IUI went off without a hitch, and hubby had the best sperm numbers yet... started out with 90 million, and the washing process takes out the slow and dumb and dead ones.  Turns out they pumped me full of 32 million Michael Phelps quality swimmers! 

Now, we wait... if this works, this will be the first picture of our little one, well half of it at least.  The tiny test tube in the cup holds my hope.

CD12: Pull the Trigger

I'll give the good news first today.  I often let the absolute craziness of this process take control and focus on the not-so-good.  I got my trigger shot this morning and will be going forward with our IUI (intrauterine insemination) tomorrow morning. 

The dirty details: Ultrasound revealed a 22mm and a 21mm follie in the right ovary.  The left had two 17mm follies and a 15mm follie.  Dr. M says he only thinks the 22 and 21 will ovulate, but there is a small chance the 17's will go too.  I was happy to see that we cut it from 8 to 5, and really only 2 definite eggs.  It's hard to ever feel satisfied in this journey.  Your doctor tells you that you have 2 great follicles, and you secretly wish that there were 3 great ones.  He tried to make a joke about not being able to reach my patients to check their eyes if I had triplets cooking in my belly... I laughed half heartedly and then had some not so nice visions of what life would be like with high order multiples - kinda a scary though, but let's not put the cart before the horse, or rather the babies before the follicles.

So, now for the not so nice stuff.  Dr. M told me to get dressed and head to the lab room to have a blood draw and get my trigger shot.  I walk in to find a new face, looks about 24 years old, and heavens-to-betsy-I-can't-make-this-shit-up, she looks me in the eye and tells me this is her first day on the job.  Mother of Pearl!!!  I tried to be as nice as I could muster at that point and give her the same speech I give to everyone about being a hard stick, thinking that she would take that hint and ask the more seasoned nurse to do it for her.  Ohhhhhh, no.  She couldn't find a vein, so she thought the solution to that would be to stick me and wiggle the needle back and forth trying to nick one.  Well obviously, that didn't go well.  So the nurse that I've had multiple times (really a sweet girl) came in to try her luck.  She missed too.  I guess I only have 2 good veins and they have both been blown.  So, after the 2 sticks and beads of sweat on my forehead, she then proceeds to tell me it isn't totally necessary to test estrogen today since we are triggering.  REALLY?  So, then they mix the trigger shot, I unbutton my pants, and she jabs it into my left back lovehandle.  It's a much bigger needle than the follistim and it gives a nice pinch and burn.  But, it is the best shot to get because you know that it is going to work.

One vag cam, one very sad scene in the waiting room (i'll tell you more about this on a different day), three needles, and one more copay later, and I was out the door... literally running to my car and speeding to get to work on time.  Worked till 7, then had to deal with employee issues until 7:50.  Drove home, ate dinner prepared by amazing hubby, update the blog and then it's off to bed.  Wake up call is 4:45am- mother trucker.  I have to have hubby's "sample" to the Akron office by 6:45am, then IUI around 8:15.

Whew... that's a lot to type.  Even more to think about.  Fingers Freaking Crossed.  

CD11: Overwhelmed, anxious, and bruised

This morning I had my 2nd ultrasound to count the number & size of the growing follicles and suck my blood for E2 testing.  Thankfully, I got a different nurse to take my blood today.  She has red curly hair - I didn't get her name - but I can envision myself whispering to the front desk to pretty-please-with-an-ovary on top give me her every time from now on.  She took one look at my left arm and said "holy crap, we definitely can't use that arm!" Long story short, she got it on the first stick, right arm, no G.D. fishing!!  Thank you Baby Jesus!  And then, to top it off, she gave me a pink wrap specifically to match my jacket.  I think I love her. 

Now on to the juicy, crazy stuff.  My doc, unfortunately, was late again.  So I had to have my ultrasound by one of the other docs in the practice.  He sat down, inserted vag cam, and all I can remember is hearing him click the button, over and over and over and over.  When they are looking, they freeze the screen, then measure height and width diameter on each one.  4 clicks per follie, and I heard a crapload of them... then realized he was still on the right ovary.  Holy egg balls! 

When he was all done, he told me that there were 8 follicles.  Um, excuse me? What?  Shut the freaking front door. 
Right Side: 16.8, 14, 15, 13
Left Side: 15, 14, 12, 11

He told me to not worry (right!!!) and to plan on taking another dose of 100iu tonight.  He is making me head to Canton tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood draw because he's afraid if we wait until Wednesday there may be too many that are mature.  You can't "shrink" them once they are ripe... so it's a delicate balance of having enough that are big enough but not crossing the line to Jon & Kate plus 8.

Follies grow about 2mm per day when taking follistim.  Dr. M said that you are usually ready to trigger once the lead (biggest) follie is 18, so I'm assuming I will be getting my trigger shot tomorrow.  The big question is how many of the 15 and 14s are going to keep growing too?  I've never had the problem of having "too many" so I'm not sure what his threshold is for when I get to trigger and when I have to cancel the cycle.  They never called me back today with my estrogen level, so that leaves a very big mystery also. 

So today, I don't know what to wish for... big follies, at least 3 follies, not more than 4 follies, normal estrogen levels... I just don't know.  I just don't want to hear the words: "Well Jen, we will have to wait until next month."  Fingers Freaking Crossed. 

CD10: Wanna See What $451.60 Looks Like?

Are you impressed??  I knew you would be.  I'm a crazy researcher when it comes to anything medical, so when it was looking doom&gloom with the nice, inexpensive clomid ($80 for 4 cycles worth), I started reading about what the next step to injections would be like.  I was intellectually prepared for the cost, but I don't think anything can prepare you emotionally for throwing your money away so quickly. 

PS: (do you see the gray stopper right below my middle finger?  that's where the medicine starts.  the rest of the tube is I guess just there to look pretty?  i about passed out when I opened the first one up and saw how little medicine there was even in it!)

You see, infertility treatments and medications are not covered by our insurance company, and also many many others.  But, on the bright side, they do almost all cover Viagra, so if we are in our 60's and still trying to make a baby, they will help the amazing hubby out.  It makes no sense to me, really, but there isn't anything I can do to change it, so we just have to roll with it.

My online pharmacy has an email membership thingy, which is free - all you have to do is give them your email address, and they knock the price down to $254 per vial.  Each vial has 300iu (units) in it, but they overfill by almost 100units, so more like 375iu's.  I'm currently on my 3rd vial for the month, and I have another one sitting on my sink waiting to be tapped (too bad it's not as fun to tap those as it is to tap a keg). 
For those who aren't mathematically inclined, that's $1016.00 so far this month just on injections.  I am SO hoping that the meds I have left will be enough to get my follies big enough to trigger and I won't have to buy another one.  Walgreens sends the meds straight to you overnight in a box that looks like this:

Hopefully that is the last shipment I ever have to receive.  That little box towards the bottom is my ovulation trigger shot (hcg).  She clocks in at $59.90 a month, pocket change compared to the Follistim.  They even have my credit card on file to make it "easier" on me when I have to order more.  Well BLESS YOUR HEART!! 

Tomorrow I'm heading back to Akron for an ultrasound at 8:30am.  They will check the size/how many follicles are developing and also draw blood again (oh dear God).  There is a slim possibility that I will be ready to trigger, but I'm doubtful.  I love my doctor, but I swear if he is late again tomorrow, I may have to threaten to jam the vag cam in his special spot.  I have to be out of there by 9:45 to get to the office in time for my first patient... I wish I had his personal phone number - I would probably text him a wake up call just to be sure.  Stay tuned, I'll try to update tomorrow with the results.  Grow follies, GROW! 

CD7: Vag Cams and Vampires

Today was my first monitoring appointment after beginning Follistim injections.  For those of you that haven't had the pleasure of experiencing this, it is important to monitor how many follicles you are growing and what your estrogen levels (E2) are.  A developing follicle starts to release estrogen, so this is a way to tell if you have maturing eggs. 

Ever since I hired Scott, I have had every Thursday off - thank God - because I have been driving to Akron almost every single one of them.  So I go in for my appointment at 10am.  I sit in the waiting room until 10:40 until the first nurse comes to get me.  We head off to the blood draw room, and I give her the same warning I give everyone: I am a VERY hard stick.  Tiny veins, that roll, and none on the surface.  I had pumped myself full of a diet Dr. Pepper and giant glass of ice water on the drive up, but it did not matter.  That giant biotch stuck a needle in my left arm and fished for a vein for at least 3 minutes... I thought I was going to pass out.  She finally found one, but didn't get it very well, so it took another minute to fill the tube.  I know this because I was staring at the Paul Frank monkey clock on the wall to keep from slapping her across the face.  She sends me back out to the waiting room to hurry up and wait some more. 

An hour after my scheduled appointment, they take me back to the exam room.  If I had patients waiting an hour to be seen, I would be out of business.  I guess people are more desperate to have help making a baby than they are to see clearly.  I go through the normal stripping routine, waist down, and sit.  And wait.  And wait some more.  Dr. Mooney comes in accompanied by an intern - helps to explain his tardiness.  Vag cam comes out and off we go.  Except the intern can't get it to focus on my ovary.  (This is better than the previous intern I had who couldn't find my uterus.  Um... Push the wand straight forward... Would you like me to do it for you?)

Right ovary is being pretty lazy.  Only one very small follicle (it's still early though).  Left ovary had at least 3 that have started to develop.  Mooney was pleased and said he would base my dosage off of the estrogen levels that came back.  He said he wants it to be more than 100, but absolutely no higher than 500. 

The nurse called about 4 hours later and said that my levels were a little high for this stage of the game (it was 390) and that he wants me to decrease my dose from 150 IUs to 100 IUs daily, continue injections for 4 more nights, then return Monday morning for more blood and more ultrasound.  When on injections, you have to be checked every 2-4 days. 

I'm a little worried that with an initial E2 that high that I may end up overstimulating and having to cancel our cycle.  They don't want you having 17 eggs and the chance of 17 babies.  There's nothing I can really do but wait and hope... and hope that I don't get the same digging ho-bag at Monday's blood draw. 

         I try to wear interesting socks for them to look at when down in my business

                                                     Vag Cam, does not phase me anymore

                                                                  Battle Scars

CD5: Get the F out, 2012

I've had a few not so great years in my life.  Age 17 was rough with parental issues (that thankfully were resolved and everyone is just a big happy family now).  Age 24 was full of drama with a cheating boyfriend - so hurtful that my friends had to feed me, pick me up off of the floor and put me to bed, and I literally felt like I could die of a broken heart.  Not to mention I drank enough wine and tequila to single handedly keep liquor store stocks on the uptick. 
That. Was. Nothing.
29 should have been one of the best years of my life.  I was a newlywed.  The bliss lasted for approximately 4 months.  The first week of January, I thought I was pregnant.  You see, we lied to everyone and told them we wanted to wait a little while before we started trying.  I wanted to be able to surprise our family and friends.  I also did not want everyone knowing we were trying just in case it took a few months to happen.  HAHA - a few months! 
Of course, I wasn't pregnant.  I was just smack dab in the middle of a 67 day cycle and that's when the questions started happening.  If you are not having your period, it means you are not ovulating.  If you are not ovulating, then there is no chance to get pregnant. Our whirlwind started then and since that day at the doctors office, Team Smith has gotten constantly beat down.  

Let me just list some of the 2012 madness for you:
- Quinn ate a large button off my coat and therefore we get vet bills
- 1 week later, I fall down the stairs carrying Quinn and mess up my foot and get to wear a boot for a month
- 2 weeks later, Ryan developed plantar fasciitis and what they thought was a small fracture and visited the same podiatrist I did.  $900 MRI bill to follow
- March - our first visit to the Reproductive Endocrinologist
- June - Ryan hurts his shoulder
- June - I go through some painful and expensive testing on my uterus and tubes
- Stress of my sisters wedding
- Ryan's Mammaw falls at least 4 times
- 4 failed infertility treatment cycles
- Ryan gets another MRI on his shoulder day after Christmas and it reveals that it is torn and will need surgery. 
- I turn 30 and have a very hard time with that number and being childless

That's just the footnotes.  I do not mean to complain, but are you F-ing SERIOUS?  I honestly have nothing good to say about 2012.  I am not sad to see it go.  I wish so many things had worked out differently.  I wish Team Smith wasn't so battered and bruised.  I wish my body would work. 
My wish for 2013 is happiness.  To me, this means less medical bills, more time with my husband, and a baby in our house... happiness indeed.