We went back to the doctor this morning (second Sunday morning in a row). On Wednesday when I was there, I had about 8 follicles, but the biggest one was only 14mm and the rest of them were around 10mm. Even though none of them were mature yet, my blood estrogen level came back slightly uncomfortably high, so they had me back down the injection dose from 125 to 100 and return today for a recheck. They were worried that I might overstimulate and have to cancel the cycle due to having too many follicles.
Doc walked into the room in jeans and a polo, which I totally dig, as I hate working weekends myself and usually chose to "let" my staff dress casually on Saturdays, just so that I can wear jeans too. Anyway, vag cam came out, got lubed up, and off we went. He found 3 follicles: two of them are 18mm, one was 17.5mm, and there was a straggler on one side that was 15mm - which probably will not catch up in time.
Doc was happy, I was happy, and we agreed to have the nurse give me my trigger, and return tomorrow morning bright and early for IUI #6. Then, I just had to go and ruin the mood and ask the hypothetical question of what are we going to do if or when we find out that this round failed. He took a deep breath, thought for a second or two and said his medical opinion would be to try one more IUI with injectables, and if unsuccessful, hubby and I would have to decide what we are comfortable doing next. The options he provided were foster parenting, adoption, being childless or pursing the ever expensive (and of course out of pocket) IVF (invitro-fertilization). To which I replied without any hesitation, "we will be doing IVF." Perhaps I should have asked my husband what he thought, but I already know what he wants, so I spoke quickly for both of us. Doc nodded and said he knew that's what I'd say (haha) and told me to ask the nurse to set up an IVF consultation so that we can sit down and discuss the ins and outs beforehand so we aren't scrambling to figure out what we are doing once (or if) my period comes. I was happy to have the extra 5 minutes of discussion time with him, so it made going in on a Sunday on 4 hours of sleep very worth it.
I took a deep breath, put my pants back on, and the nurse came in to administer my trigger shot. Let me tell you, that thing hurts like a mother f-er. It's a huge pinch and it burns. For some reason, this one hurt more than normal, but yet, after she was done, I said "thank you." I didn't really mean it, but it seemed like the right thing to say at the time.
So, tomorrow, we go back to Akron for IUI #6. Everything seems to be perfect again, but don't be fooled, it's been perfect 5 out of 6 medicated cycles yet we have never seen a positive test. Today finished up National Infertility Awareness Week, so maybe fate will be kind and let tomorrow be the end of the Infertile Miserable Jen Year (almost 2)...
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
CD 9: Grow follies grow
Sunday morning, the hubs and I headed in to check on my follicle growth, all running on about 5 hours of sleep. We went to a concert the night before, which, for once was actually pretty good - my hubby & my musical tastes sometimes do not match up. We got home at 1:30am and woke up at 6:30.
<<side note: concerts are not quite as enjoyable when you don't drink a Bud Light. Boo>>
Anyway, we got to see the lead doctor in the practice. He was also the one who saw me after our last failed cycle and told me I had cysts again and left me in the room crying by myself. Nevertheless, this was a happier visit. He said my uterine lining was growing nicely, and measured at least 6 follicles. Now, before you start thinking Ryan&Jen Plus 10, rest assured that not all of those follicles will mature. They were all measuring about 8mm, so the plan was to return in 3 days for another blood draw and ultrasound.
I did get a few questions answered, which was very reassuring. I told him about the short luteal phase after our last 2 IUIs and asked if I should be taking progesterone. Without even blinking he said "absolutely." Perhaps I have a future in reproductive endocrinology... or perhaps I have researched like a crazy person and read every message board and blog written by people 'like me'. He also suggested I take a baby aspirin daily to provide better blood supply to my uterine lining. These are 2 new things that we will be doing this month, so I feel slightly more relieved that I'm not just pressing repeat on the last two cycles.
So, until Wednesday, I just keep doing 125iu injections and keep trying to not bite anyone's head off. The injections are the easy part. Truth.
<<side note: concerts are not quite as enjoyable when you don't drink a Bud Light. Boo>>
Anyway, we got to see the lead doctor in the practice. He was also the one who saw me after our last failed cycle and told me I had cysts again and left me in the room crying by myself. Nevertheless, this was a happier visit. He said my uterine lining was growing nicely, and measured at least 6 follicles. Now, before you start thinking Ryan&Jen Plus 10, rest assured that not all of those follicles will mature. They were all measuring about 8mm, so the plan was to return in 3 days for another blood draw and ultrasound.
I did get a few questions answered, which was very reassuring. I told him about the short luteal phase after our last 2 IUIs and asked if I should be taking progesterone. Without even blinking he said "absolutely." Perhaps I have a future in reproductive endocrinology... or perhaps I have researched like a crazy person and read every message board and blog written by people 'like me'. He also suggested I take a baby aspirin daily to provide better blood supply to my uterine lining. These are 2 new things that we will be doing this month, so I feel slightly more relieved that I'm not just pressing repeat on the last two cycles.
So, until Wednesday, I just keep doing 125iu injections and keep trying to not bite anyone's head off. The injections are the easy part. Truth.
Friday, April 19, 2013
CD6: Cyst free
My ultrasound Tuesday showed that the ovarian cysts were gone. My doctor was in a craptastic mood, and was of course behind schedule, so I didn't get to ask many questions... but the plan is the same as the last two rounds. Daily follistim injections, trigger when ready, and another IUI.
Here's how it all shakes out this month:
Questions?
- Do I need to use progesterone suppositories this month? I barely made it to 11 days post ovulation last cycle, and I'm wondering if we didn't give the baby/babies long enough to snuggle in. Grasping at straws here, but how in the world did we not get pregnant with 4 eggs?!?
- How long do I have before my endo starts growing back?
- Assuming this doesn't work, what the hell do we do next? Keep trying? Move on to IVF?
Schedules?
- I'm going in Sunday morning to see how my follicles are looking.
- Next Saturday we have a fundraiser walk for my friend's little son who has juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. That is also CD14, which means that there is a high likelihood that our IUI will be that morning. Suck!
- I met with my specialist for the first time last April. One year with an infertility specialist is not a happy anniversary. I got a Coach purse for my one year anniversary with my husband... it's really too bad I don't get another one from my doc. Or a nice pair of diamond earrings. 1 carat. Princess cut. From Tiffany's.
I'm not sure which doctor I'm seeing on Sunday, but I know it's not mine. Maybe whoever it is gives out those 1 year earrings.... You can tell I've been at this game for too long now - rather than hoping to get pregnant, I now hope for new (free) jewelry.
Here's how it all shakes out this month:
Questions?
- Do I need to use progesterone suppositories this month? I barely made it to 11 days post ovulation last cycle, and I'm wondering if we didn't give the baby/babies long enough to snuggle in. Grasping at straws here, but how in the world did we not get pregnant with 4 eggs?!?
- How long do I have before my endo starts growing back?
- Assuming this doesn't work, what the hell do we do next? Keep trying? Move on to IVF?
Schedules?
- I'm going in Sunday morning to see how my follicles are looking.
- Next Saturday we have a fundraiser walk for my friend's little son who has juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. That is also CD14, which means that there is a high likelihood that our IUI will be that morning. Suck!
- I met with my specialist for the first time last April. One year with an infertility specialist is not a happy anniversary. I got a Coach purse for my one year anniversary with my husband... it's really too bad I don't get another one from my doc. Or a nice pair of diamond earrings. 1 carat. Princess cut. From Tiffany's.
I'm not sure which doctor I'm seeing on Sunday, but I know it's not mine. Maybe whoever it is gives out those 1 year earrings.... You can tell I've been at this game for too long now - rather than hoping to get pregnant, I now hope for new (free) jewelry.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Month #20... and an angel?
Well, I'm hoping to get back in the saddle tomorrow. My cycle started yesterday & I'm off to Canton tomorrow morning to hopefully see some cyst-free ovaries. There has been drama today with trying to schedule my appointment tomorrow, and to be truthful, a lot of swear words coming out of my mouth. I have been incredibly whiny on here lately, so I will spare you the details, but I. Was. Pissed.
It's all good though. I've calmed down. The nurses will live another day.
Before I forget it, I need to tell you the dream I had Saturday night/Sunday morning. As usual for my dreams, it kinda skipped around a little. First, I was in my office, and all of the lights were flashing. The slit lamps, the over head lights, everything. And my staff had waited all morning before I came in to tell me about it or do anything. So, I yelled and told them that was a really stupid thing to do and that I was really tired of having to do everything myself.
Annnnnd........ Scene.
Skip to a theater-like room with red velvet curtains and gold statues in a big city somewhere. I'm graduating... from what? I do not know. But I do know that it was the 10 year anniversary of graduating from somewhere else... and I wasn't dressed up. This part of the dream is a little hazy, most likely because it was pretty boring.
Annnnnd...... Scene.
Now..... THIS is where it gets interesting.
After the graduation ceremony, I'm roaming the halls and I really have to pee. I'm also dragging laundry bags with me and a bunch of other crap. I finally find a bathroom, but it has a little door on it, so you can see me from the chest up and the knees down. And the door won't stay shut, but I don't care because I have to pee soooo bad. So there I am, mid stream, and I see an old man that resembles Colonel Sanders (kinda) staring at me. I finish, pull my pants, and ask him if I can help him with something? He comes into the bathroom and says he needs to show me something. I tell him to hold on a second. I wash my hands, and then am trying desperately to get all of my clothes into the laundry bags... they seemed to be multiplying. He seemed slightly impatient, so I left the clothes alone.
Are you ready for crazy? 'Cause this is where it gets crazy.
The old man says that he needs to tell me something and that I need to listen to him. He opens a giant book and starts to talk. He looks me straight in the eye and says "this is your story." "This is your life." As he speaks, his words are being written on blank pages in the book, almost like lighted laser writing, in very fancy script. I must have looked freaked out, because he stopped for a second then said "Do not be scared. I am an angel of the Lord. I am here to tell you your story." He talked a little more and I don't remember what he said, but the words kept being written in the book. Then he paused and said "Are you listening to me? You are going to have a child. This is your story. It is written. Listen to me."
Whoa. Ok. Got it.
I woke up at that very moment and sat straight up in bed.
Now, this could very well be the stress of this whole debacle catching up with me and trust me, some crazy thoughts go through my mind on a daily basis when I'm awake. Some may argue that it was God telling me to calm down and trust in His plan. I really don't know - maybe it was a mix of both of those. I can tell you this though... if I end up pregnant this month, I will never forget that dream.
It's all good though. I've calmed down. The nurses will live another day.
Before I forget it, I need to tell you the dream I had Saturday night/Sunday morning. As usual for my dreams, it kinda skipped around a little. First, I was in my office, and all of the lights were flashing. The slit lamps, the over head lights, everything. And my staff had waited all morning before I came in to tell me about it or do anything. So, I yelled and told them that was a really stupid thing to do and that I was really tired of having to do everything myself.
Annnnnd........ Scene.
Skip to a theater-like room with red velvet curtains and gold statues in a big city somewhere. I'm graduating... from what? I do not know. But I do know that it was the 10 year anniversary of graduating from somewhere else... and I wasn't dressed up. This part of the dream is a little hazy, most likely because it was pretty boring.
Annnnnd...... Scene.
Now..... THIS is where it gets interesting.
After the graduation ceremony, I'm roaming the halls and I really have to pee. I'm also dragging laundry bags with me and a bunch of other crap. I finally find a bathroom, but it has a little door on it, so you can see me from the chest up and the knees down. And the door won't stay shut, but I don't care because I have to pee soooo bad. So there I am, mid stream, and I see an old man that resembles Colonel Sanders (kinda) staring at me. I finish, pull my pants, and ask him if I can help him with something? He comes into the bathroom and says he needs to show me something. I tell him to hold on a second. I wash my hands, and then am trying desperately to get all of my clothes into the laundry bags... they seemed to be multiplying. He seemed slightly impatient, so I left the clothes alone.
Are you ready for crazy? 'Cause this is where it gets crazy.
The old man says that he needs to tell me something and that I need to listen to him. He opens a giant book and starts to talk. He looks me straight in the eye and says "this is your story." "This is your life." As he speaks, his words are being written on blank pages in the book, almost like lighted laser writing, in very fancy script. I must have looked freaked out, because he stopped for a second then said "Do not be scared. I am an angel of the Lord. I am here to tell you your story." He talked a little more and I don't remember what he said, but the words kept being written in the book. Then he paused and said "Are you listening to me? You are going to have a child. This is your story. It is written. Listen to me."
Whoa. Ok. Got it.
I woke up at that very moment and sat straight up in bed.
Now, this could very well be the stress of this whole debacle catching up with me and trust me, some crazy thoughts go through my mind on a daily basis when I'm awake. Some may argue that it was God telling me to calm down and trust in His plan. I really don't know - maybe it was a mix of both of those. I can tell you this though... if I end up pregnant this month, I will never forget that dream.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
I do what I want
A few days ago, I took my pants off for a different reason. I wasn't waiting to get probed by the vag cam. Wasn't waiting for them to stick me with needles. Wasn't waiting for my doctor to tell me any more bad news. I had a day off work, drove myself to Columbus, and got a 1 hour full body therapeutic massage.
It was AMAZING.
From my toes to my scalp, I just allowed myself to be pampered. Although I couldn't totally shut my brain off for the entire hour, I tried very hard to push all thoughts of how incredibly sucky life has been out of my mind and let the masseuse dig the stress out of my neck, shoulders, and back. In fact, during the massage, when she reached my neck muscles, she stopped and asked "um, what is wrong with you?" HA! I guess it's now medically proven that I carry the stress of this world on my shoulders - literally.
Afterwards, I picked up lunch, and headed to one of my best friends' house. We ate, played with her son, and I laid on her living room floor for about 4 hours just talking about anything and everything. GLORIOUS.
Then, I left to drive home, and ate Arby's cheese sticks and a diet dr. pepper for dinner in the car. CLASSY.
Right now, I have no idea of what day of the cycle this is and I do not care. I haven't updated the blog in a long time mostly because I have been in a very dark place for the last few weeks. We are benched again due to cysts and I am so angry at life. I will update in the next few days with details about what comes next in the quest for our baby, but until then, just know that life in my world sucks. I'm trying to cope as well as I can, and the above story is a way that I tried to make it through.
I don't have kids. There are a lot of things that I cannot do while I'm in a treatment cycle. So I took advantage of both of those things and took an entire day to be lazy, relaxed, and do/eat/say/think whatever the hell I wanted. After all the craziness I've been through, I deserved it.
It was AMAZING.
From my toes to my scalp, I just allowed myself to be pampered. Although I couldn't totally shut my brain off for the entire hour, I tried very hard to push all thoughts of how incredibly sucky life has been out of my mind and let the masseuse dig the stress out of my neck, shoulders, and back. In fact, during the massage, when she reached my neck muscles, she stopped and asked "um, what is wrong with you?" HA! I guess it's now medically proven that I carry the stress of this world on my shoulders - literally.
Afterwards, I picked up lunch, and headed to one of my best friends' house. We ate, played with her son, and I laid on her living room floor for about 4 hours just talking about anything and everything. GLORIOUS.
Then, I left to drive home, and ate Arby's cheese sticks and a diet dr. pepper for dinner in the car. CLASSY.
Right now, I have no idea of what day of the cycle this is and I do not care. I haven't updated the blog in a long time mostly because I have been in a very dark place for the last few weeks. We are benched again due to cysts and I am so angry at life. I will update in the next few days with details about what comes next in the quest for our baby, but until then, just know that life in my world sucks. I'm trying to cope as well as I can, and the above story is a way that I tried to make it through.
I don't have kids. There are a lot of things that I cannot do while I'm in a treatment cycle. So I took advantage of both of those things and took an entire day to be lazy, relaxed, and do/eat/say/think whatever the hell I wanted. After all the craziness I've been through, I deserved it.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
CD1: The Definition of Insanity
Insanity= Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
Well if that is true, I deserve a straight jacket by now.
I woke up this morning with the expectation of peeing on a stick and having it change my life. Instead, I peed on a stick and realized that I have to relive the exact same thing that I've been doing over and over for the past 6 months. No life changer there, other than a little bit more bitterness added to my heart.
Not only did I have to watch the stupid stick stay stark white, but I literally started my cycle within minutes of that - with cramps that would blow your mind. If it had worked, my due date would have been the day after my birthday... but it can't be that easy or nice, of course.
So here we are again.... back to square one. I am so incredibly pissed off that I can't even put it in to words. I've been pissed before, but the level of my anger today is like nothing I've ever felt in my entire life...
I. Do. Not. Understand. Why.
Now, if you'll pardon me, I need to drink. Heavily.
Well if that is true, I deserve a straight jacket by now.
I woke up this morning with the expectation of peeing on a stick and having it change my life. Instead, I peed on a stick and realized that I have to relive the exact same thing that I've been doing over and over for the past 6 months. No life changer there, other than a little bit more bitterness added to my heart.
Not only did I have to watch the stupid stick stay stark white, but I literally started my cycle within minutes of that - with cramps that would blow your mind. If it had worked, my due date would have been the day after my birthday... but it can't be that easy or nice, of course.
So here we are again.... back to square one. I am so incredibly pissed off that I can't even put it in to words. I've been pissed before, but the level of my anger today is like nothing I've ever felt in my entire life...
I. Do. Not. Understand. Why.
Now, if you'll pardon me, I need to drink. Heavily.
Monday, March 18, 2013
7 days after trigger: My poor body.
As I sit here watching the Biggest Loser Finale show, I can't help but to be sad about the not-so-awesome changes that my body has gone through over the last 19 months. I have gained 15-18 pounds since our wedding (it's hard to know what my 'exact' weight is as it fluctuates a lot with the meds). I'm not allowed to run, do tae bo, kickbox, or anything else that causes jiggling or bouncing of my ovaries. Hyperstimulation (what I've been doing since August) of the ovaries causes them to enlarge. If you jostle them too much, they can twist and cut off the blood supply, and your ovaries can die. I may have said that in a previous post, but it still blows my mind that it's true. Everything on me is bigger, except for my self confidence, which is much smaller.
So let me get this straight... infertility causes depression which causes a lack of energy or will to do much of anything. The hormones that I am pumping my body full of cause you to gain weight. Because I am taking those hormones, I am not allowed to work out, which causes me to gain more weight. My ass bigger... and definitely not amused.
There's also "the bloat". For me, my body does this a few days after my trigger shot and lasts for about a week. It started Saturday when I woke up, had to pee SO bad, and hardly could. Today, it got even worse, so I took a picture for you. I'm not happy about it, but I suppose it's good to show what all of these shenanigans are doing to me.
So me, my 3-4 month pregnant looking stomach, and my grumpy mood are signing off for the evening. Hoping that tomorrow is nicer than today in all aspects, and that I don't have to wear my maternity pants and can zip up a regular pair. Baby steps of hoping in my quest and hope for a baby I suppose.
So let me get this straight... infertility causes depression which causes a lack of energy or will to do much of anything. The hormones that I am pumping my body full of cause you to gain weight. Because I am taking those hormones, I am not allowed to work out, which causes me to gain more weight. My ass bigger... and definitely not amused.
So me, my 3-4 month pregnant looking stomach, and my grumpy mood are signing off for the evening. Hoping that tomorrow is nicer than today in all aspects, and that I don't have to wear my maternity pants and can zip up a regular pair. Baby steps of hoping in my quest and hope for a baby I suppose.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)