And then, sometimes, everything just crumbles.

This is not the post that I envisioned writing.

Damn it.  

I am one strong lady... but this last week has broken me to a point that I'm not sure I'll ever fully return from.  This entire journey has been grueling, exhausting, expensive, frustrating, painful (emotionally and physically) - just awful - and I kept myself going by repeating the mantra that it can't get much worse. 

And then, just like that, both of my worst nightmares came true.

A week ago, my freshly married, hopelessly immature, incredibly poor, emotionally unstable baby sister told me that she was pregnant.  ::Insert gasps::  From what I could gather, this was on purpose and she is due in December.  My first question was "are you joking?"  (No)  My second question was "are you happy about this?"  (Yes)  I stood there in utter silence, just staring at her while my entire body started to shake.  She stared back and then muttered "Sorry" with about as much emotion as a my left thumb.  I lasted about 8 seconds looking at the floor with tears starting to burn my eyes and told her I had to leave.  Then I ran for the door, and collapsed into my husband's truck.  It was a terrible mix of sobbing, hyperventilating, heaving, and yelling "no, no, no, why, why, why, oh my god, why, no."  Now, I have cried hard before, but this was insanity.  It is really hard to explain how badly that hurt, but I can tell you honestly that I thought I was going to have to be sedated.  The crying comes and goes still, but the numbness that I've gotten really good at feeling has started to take over. 

See, I had this vision in my head.  Every former infertile always tells you that one day, it will all be worth it.  My mom really wants a grandchild.  Before she knew that we were having 'problems' she would squeeze in some mention of wanting me to get pregnant pretty much every time I saw her.  My vision was me and Ryan, in the hospital room, holding our baby/babies with my mom looking over us.  We are all crying, and I would look at my mom and just say "We did it."  I can see the look on her face, looking at her much awaited first grandbaby.  And now, my sister stole that moment from me.  On purpose.  And I'm pretty sure I will never fully forgive her for that.  The pain of going through our journey and treatments has now been magnified by a gazillion.  It hurts.  Really, really bad. 

Fast forward to Mother's Day: I do not get a positive pregnancy test, nor did I for the 4 days before that that I tested.  My sister tells one side of my family about her "good" news.  (NO, I was not there when she told them.  In fact, I made up an excuse to not go be with my family because I knew she would be there.  I cannot be held accountable if I punch her in the face, so I have to avoid her at all possible costs for the next 6 months).  And then, I start to spot.  And I crumble some more. 

So, that's all pretty terrible, right?  It can't get worse, right?  Ohhh, incorrect batman. 

I went to see my Doc yesterday to check for cysts and for what I thought would be the start of our last injectable IUI cycle.  He did not find any cysts, which was extremely surprising, and a sprinkle of decent news.  But then, he looked at me in a way that he hasn't before and asked how I was doing?  Perhaps he could see my emotional scars written across my face?  Or perhaps the vag cam has some magical emotion reading power that can tell him when I'm about to head to the nuthouse.  I didn't even have time to answer him before he started to tell me that everything has been perfect for the last 7 cycles and we have had no success.  Not even a hint of a pregnancy.  And we are approaching 2 years of trying.  He had originally said he might try one more IUI, but yesterday, he changed his mind.  It's still my decision what to do, but he is no longer convinced that IUI will work for us.  He is wondering if there is a problem with the actual fertilization of the egg with the sperm, or maybe the fertilized egg can't find it's way out of the tube, or who knows? 

Worst nightmare #2: He said that he thinks that IVF may be the only viable option for us, and the few pieces of my sanity I had left crumbled to the floor.  He went on to say that he doesn't want us to waste another $1,300 on another IUI cycle that does not have good odds of working now, when we could put that towards the astronomical cost of IVF.  In his words, he wants to end the madness.  And I agree with him.  I've been to over 40 appointments in the last year, missed countless hours of work, and spent a shit ton of cash.  Madness is a good way to describe it. 

So, Ryan and I have a consultation appointment on the 28th to discuss IVF with him and determine what our protocol will be.  I am on birth control pills to rest my ovaries.  And it has been a whirlwind of thoughts and decisions and emotions.  I honestly did not think that it would come to this.  I don't understand why this has to happen to us. 

Crumbled, indeed.  

CD19: Waiting is the worst part

Today we are 3days post IUI and I feel like crap.  Let me fill you in on the week...

On Monday, we woke up at 5:00, got ready, collected hubby's 'sample', and arrived in Akron at 6:30 with the goods.  You have to fill out a two sided form when you drop it off, they copy your drivers license, and sign the cup - it all takes about 5 minutes, but it's nerve wracking every time because the thought is always in your mind that if you mess up the steps, you will be inseminated with some random strangers sperm and end up with a baby that does not look like your husband.  Our niece and nephews come out of the womb looking like clones of my husband, so it would be very evident if they screw up.  We asked Doc once if that ever happens, and he said it has happened, and that heads roll when it does, but assured us it was extremely rare.  YIKES. 

We went to Panera for cinnamon crunch bagels and some iced tea (Mannnnn... I miss my diet coke) and then had to be back to the hospital an hour later.  They took us back to the room, and the nurse had both of us verify the sample with husbands birthdate and name on it.  I hopped up on the table and looked at the ultrasound table, which had a People magazine with the headlining story being about Princess Kate and how she is preparing to be a mother.  (not cool, people... not cool)

After a 10 minute wait, one of the doctors came in (not our usual) and made us verify the sample again, which makes you a little more uneasy thinking about how often the mix-ups actually happen.  The doctor while verifying the sample with hubby said "Do you know this girl?"  Hubby nodded and snickered and then doc said "Well you're about to get to know her really well" and then told me to slide down and spread 'em.  It took every ounce of strength for us both to not laugh and/or be really creeped out.  The IUI took about 5 seconds after he got the speculum set, and he said it went perfect.  We had 40 million sperm after washing, which is really good.  Add that to 3 follicles, good uterine lining, being on baby aspirin to increase blood flow to my uterus, and using progesterone vag suppositories nightly to make sure my cycle doesn't start too soon and flush out the embryos before they have enough time to snuggle in... So, nothing could be more perfect.  The docs are very happy with all of our variables.  With that being said, there is still only a 25% chance that this will work.  Doesn't that SUCK? 

So after our prescribed and scheduled sexy time for 2 days after the IUI, now all we can do is wait.  It seems like that's all we ever do.  We get told a lot that it's ok... it's only one more month, or it's only a few months after your endo was removed, or in this case, it's only a 2 week wait... well let me tell you, after this long, and this much effort, each day that you just have to wait is pretty excruciating.  Add to that the fact that I'm extremely moody, swollen, and sore, and it gets worse. 

Regardless, we don't have any choice but to wait.  Our waiting will come to an end on Mother's Day this month, as that is 2 weeks after our IUI and the day we are supposed to test.  This can only end one of two ways.... Really Good, or Extremely Bad.  Hold tight Team Jen... it's going to be a bumpy ride.   

CD15: Shoot me up one more time

We went back to the doctor this morning (second Sunday morning in a row).  On Wednesday when I was there, I had about 8 follicles, but the biggest one was only 14mm and the rest of them were around 10mm.  Even though none of them were mature yet, my blood estrogen level came back slightly uncomfortably high, so they had me back down the injection dose from 125 to 100 and return today for a recheck.  They were worried that I might overstimulate and have to cancel the cycle due to having too many follicles. 

Doc walked into the room in jeans and a polo, which I totally dig, as I hate working weekends myself and usually chose to "let" my staff dress casually on Saturdays, just so that I can wear jeans too.  Anyway, vag cam came out, got lubed up, and off we went.  He found 3 follicles: two of them are 18mm, one was 17.5mm, and there was a straggler on one side that was 15mm - which probably will not catch up in time. 

Doc was happy, I was happy, and we agreed to have the nurse give me my trigger, and return tomorrow morning bright and early for IUI #6.  Then, I just had to go and ruin the mood and ask the hypothetical question of what are we going to do if or when we find out that this round failed.  He took a deep breath, thought for a second or two and said his medical opinion would be to try one more IUI with injectables, and if unsuccessful, hubby and I would have to decide what we are comfortable doing next.  The options he provided were foster parenting, adoption, being childless or pursing the ever expensive (and of course out of pocket) IVF (invitro-fertilization).  To which I replied without any hesitation, "we will be doing IVF."  Perhaps I should have asked my husband what he thought, but I already know what he wants, so I spoke quickly for both of us.  Doc nodded and said he knew that's what I'd say (haha) and told me to ask the nurse to set up an IVF consultation so that we can sit down and discuss the ins and outs beforehand so we aren't scrambling to figure out what we are doing once (or if) my period comes.  I was happy to have the extra 5 minutes of discussion time with him, so it made going in on a Sunday on 4 hours of sleep very worth it. 

I took a deep breath, put my pants back on, and the nurse came in to administer my trigger shot.  Let me tell you, that thing hurts like a mother f-er.  It's a huge pinch and it burns.  For some reason, this one hurt more than normal, but yet, after she was done, I said "thank you."  I didn't really mean it, but it seemed like the right thing to say at the time. 

So, tomorrow, we go back to Akron for IUI #6.  Everything seems to be perfect again, but don't be fooled, it's been perfect 5 out of 6 medicated cycles yet we have never seen a positive test.  Today finished up National Infertility Awareness Week, so maybe fate will be kind and let tomorrow be the end of the Infertile Miserable Jen Year (almost 2)...  

CD 9: Grow follies grow

Sunday morning, the hubs and I headed in to check on my follicle growth, all running on about 5 hours of sleep.  We went to a concert the night before, which, for once was actually pretty good - my hubby & my musical tastes sometimes do not match up.  We got home at 1:30am and woke up at 6:30. 
<<side note: concerts are not quite as enjoyable when you don't drink a Bud Light.  Boo>>

Anyway, we got to see the lead doctor in the practice.  He was also the one who saw me after our last failed cycle and told me I had cysts again and left me in the room crying by myself.  Nevertheless, this was a happier visit.  He said my uterine lining was growing nicely, and measured at least 6 follicles.  Now, before you start thinking Ryan&Jen Plus 10, rest assured that not all of those follicles will mature.  They were all measuring about 8mm, so the plan was to return in 3 days for another blood draw and ultrasound. 

I did get a few questions answered, which was very reassuring.  I told him about the short luteal phase after our last 2 IUIs and asked if I should be taking progesterone.  Without even blinking he said "absolutely."  Perhaps I have a future in reproductive endocrinology... or perhaps I have researched like a crazy person and read every message board and blog written by people 'like me'.  He also suggested I take a baby aspirin daily to provide better blood supply to my uterine lining.  These are 2 new things that we will be doing this month, so I feel slightly more relieved that I'm not just pressing repeat on the last two cycles. 

So, until Wednesday, I just keep doing 125iu injections and keep trying to not bite anyone's head off.  The injections are the easy part.  Truth. 

CD6: Cyst free

My ultrasound Tuesday showed that the ovarian cysts were gone.  My doctor was in a craptastic mood, and was of course behind schedule, so I didn't get to ask many questions... but the plan is the same as the last two rounds.  Daily follistim injections, trigger when ready, and another IUI.

Here's how it all shakes out this month:
Questions?
- Do I need to use progesterone suppositories this month?  I barely made it to 11 days post ovulation last cycle, and I'm wondering if we didn't give the baby/babies long enough to snuggle in.  Grasping at straws here, but how in the world did we not get pregnant with 4 eggs?!?
- How long do I have before my endo starts growing back?
- Assuming this doesn't work, what the hell do we do next?  Keep trying?  Move on to IVF? 

Schedules?
- I'm going in Sunday morning to see how my follicles are looking. 
- Next Saturday we have a fundraiser walk for my friend's little son who has juvenile rheumatoid arthritis.  That is also CD14, which means that there is a high likelihood that our IUI will be that morning.  Suck!
- I met with my specialist for the first time last April.  One year with an infertility specialist is not a happy anniversary.  I got a Coach purse for my one year anniversary with my husband... it's really too bad I don't get another one from my doc.  Or a nice pair of diamond earrings.  1 carat.  Princess cut.  From Tiffany's. 

I'm not sure which doctor I'm seeing on Sunday, but I know it's not mine.  Maybe whoever it is gives out those 1 year earrings....  You can tell I've been at this game for too long now - rather than hoping to get pregnant, I now hope for new (free) jewelry. 

Month #20... and an angel?

Well, I'm hoping to get back in the saddle tomorrow.  My cycle started yesterday & I'm off to Canton tomorrow morning to hopefully see some cyst-free ovaries.  There has been drama today with trying to schedule my appointment tomorrow, and to be truthful, a lot of swear words coming out of my mouth.  I have been incredibly whiny on here lately, so I will spare you the details, but I. Was. Pissed.
 
It's all good though.  I've calmed down.  The nurses will live another day. 

Before I forget it, I need to tell you the dream I had Saturday night/Sunday morning.  As usual for my dreams, it kinda skipped around a little.  First, I was in my office, and all of the lights were flashing.  The slit lamps, the over head lights, everything.  And my staff had waited all morning before I came in to tell me about it or do anything.  So, I yelled and told them that was a really stupid thing to do and that I was really tired of having to do everything myself. 
Annnnnd........ Scene.

Skip to a theater-like room with red velvet curtains and gold statues in a big city somewhere.  I'm graduating... from what? I do not know.  But I do know that it was the 10 year anniversary of graduating from somewhere else... and I wasn't dressed up.  This part of the dream is a little hazy, most likely because it was pretty boring. 
Annnnnd...... Scene. 

Now..... THIS is where it gets interesting. 
After the graduation ceremony, I'm roaming the halls and I really have to pee.  I'm also dragging laundry bags with me and a bunch of other crap.  I finally find a bathroom, but it has a little door on it, so you can see me from the chest up and the knees down.  And the door won't stay shut, but I don't care because I have to pee soooo bad.  So there I am, mid stream, and I see an old man that resembles Colonel Sanders (kinda) staring at me.  I finish, pull my pants, and ask him if I can help him with something?  He comes into the bathroom and says he needs to show me something.  I tell him to hold on a second.  I wash my hands, and then am trying desperately to get all of my clothes into the laundry bags... they seemed to be multiplying.  He seemed slightly impatient, so I left the clothes alone. 

Are you ready for crazy?  'Cause this is where it gets crazy.
The old man says that he needs to tell me something and that I need to listen to him.  He opens a giant book and starts to talk.  He looks me straight in the eye and says "this is your story."  "This is your life."  As he speaks, his words are being written on blank pages in the book, almost like lighted laser writing, in very fancy script.  I must have looked freaked out, because he stopped for a second then said "Do not be scared.  I am an angel of the Lord.  I am here to tell you your story."  He talked a little more and I don't remember what he said, but the words kept being written in the book.  Then he paused and said "Are you listening to me?  You are going to have a child.  This is your story.  It is written.  Listen to me." 

Whoa.  Ok.  Got it. 

I woke up at that very moment and sat straight up in bed. 
Now, this could very well be the stress of this whole debacle catching up with me and trust me, some crazy thoughts go through my mind on a daily basis when I'm awake.  Some may argue that it was God telling me to calm down and trust in His plan.  I really don't know - maybe it was a mix of both of those.  I can tell you this though... if I end up pregnant this month, I will never forget that dream. 

I do what I want

A few days ago, I took my pants off for a different reason.  I wasn't waiting to get probed by the vag cam.  Wasn't waiting for them to stick me with needles.  Wasn't waiting for my doctor to tell me any more bad news.  I had a day off work, drove myself to Columbus, and got a 1 hour full body therapeutic massage.

It was AMAZING.

From my toes to my scalp, I just allowed myself to be pampered.  Although I couldn't totally shut my brain off for the entire hour, I tried very hard to push all thoughts of how incredibly sucky life has been out of my mind and let the masseuse dig the stress out of my neck, shoulders, and back.  In fact, during the massage, when she reached my neck muscles, she stopped and asked "um, what is wrong with you?"  HA!  I guess it's now medically proven that I carry the stress of this world on my shoulders - literally. 

Afterwards, I picked up lunch, and headed to one of my best friends' house.  We ate, played with her son, and I laid on her living room floor for about 4 hours just talking about anything and everything.  GLORIOUS. 

Then, I left to drive home, and ate Arby's cheese sticks and a diet dr. pepper for dinner in the car.  CLASSY. 

Right now, I have no idea of what day of the cycle this is and I do not care.  I haven't updated the blog in a long time mostly because I have been in a very dark place for the last few weeks.  We are benched again due to cysts and I am so angry at life.  I will update in the next few days with details about what comes next in the quest for our baby, but until then, just know that life in my world sucks.  I'm trying to cope as well as I can, and the above story is a way that I tried to make it through. 

I don't have kids.  There are a lot of things that I cannot do while I'm in a treatment cycle.  So I took advantage of both of those things and took an entire day to be lazy, relaxed, and do/eat/say/think whatever the hell I wanted.  After all the craziness I've been through, I deserved it.