Month #20... and an angel?

Well, I'm hoping to get back in the saddle tomorrow.  My cycle started yesterday & I'm off to Canton tomorrow morning to hopefully see some cyst-free ovaries.  There has been drama today with trying to schedule my appointment tomorrow, and to be truthful, a lot of swear words coming out of my mouth.  I have been incredibly whiny on here lately, so I will spare you the details, but I. Was. Pissed.
 
It's all good though.  I've calmed down.  The nurses will live another day. 

Before I forget it, I need to tell you the dream I had Saturday night/Sunday morning.  As usual for my dreams, it kinda skipped around a little.  First, I was in my office, and all of the lights were flashing.  The slit lamps, the over head lights, everything.  And my staff had waited all morning before I came in to tell me about it or do anything.  So, I yelled and told them that was a really stupid thing to do and that I was really tired of having to do everything myself. 
Annnnnd........ Scene.

Skip to a theater-like room with red velvet curtains and gold statues in a big city somewhere.  I'm graduating... from what? I do not know.  But I do know that it was the 10 year anniversary of graduating from somewhere else... and I wasn't dressed up.  This part of the dream is a little hazy, most likely because it was pretty boring. 
Annnnnd...... Scene. 

Now..... THIS is where it gets interesting. 
After the graduation ceremony, I'm roaming the halls and I really have to pee.  I'm also dragging laundry bags with me and a bunch of other crap.  I finally find a bathroom, but it has a little door on it, so you can see me from the chest up and the knees down.  And the door won't stay shut, but I don't care because I have to pee soooo bad.  So there I am, mid stream, and I see an old man that resembles Colonel Sanders (kinda) staring at me.  I finish, pull my pants, and ask him if I can help him with something?  He comes into the bathroom and says he needs to show me something.  I tell him to hold on a second.  I wash my hands, and then am trying desperately to get all of my clothes into the laundry bags... they seemed to be multiplying.  He seemed slightly impatient, so I left the clothes alone. 

Are you ready for crazy?  'Cause this is where it gets crazy.
The old man says that he needs to tell me something and that I need to listen to him.  He opens a giant book and starts to talk.  He looks me straight in the eye and says "this is your story."  "This is your life."  As he speaks, his words are being written on blank pages in the book, almost like lighted laser writing, in very fancy script.  I must have looked freaked out, because he stopped for a second then said "Do not be scared.  I am an angel of the Lord.  I am here to tell you your story."  He talked a little more and I don't remember what he said, but the words kept being written in the book.  Then he paused and said "Are you listening to me?  You are going to have a child.  This is your story.  It is written.  Listen to me." 

Whoa.  Ok.  Got it. 

I woke up at that very moment and sat straight up in bed. 
Now, this could very well be the stress of this whole debacle catching up with me and trust me, some crazy thoughts go through my mind on a daily basis when I'm awake.  Some may argue that it was God telling me to calm down and trust in His plan.  I really don't know - maybe it was a mix of both of those.  I can tell you this though... if I end up pregnant this month, I will never forget that dream. 

I do what I want

A few days ago, I took my pants off for a different reason.  I wasn't waiting to get probed by the vag cam.  Wasn't waiting for them to stick me with needles.  Wasn't waiting for my doctor to tell me any more bad news.  I had a day off work, drove myself to Columbus, and got a 1 hour full body therapeutic massage.

It was AMAZING.

From my toes to my scalp, I just allowed myself to be pampered.  Although I couldn't totally shut my brain off for the entire hour, I tried very hard to push all thoughts of how incredibly sucky life has been out of my mind and let the masseuse dig the stress out of my neck, shoulders, and back.  In fact, during the massage, when she reached my neck muscles, she stopped and asked "um, what is wrong with you?"  HA!  I guess it's now medically proven that I carry the stress of this world on my shoulders - literally. 

Afterwards, I picked up lunch, and headed to one of my best friends' house.  We ate, played with her son, and I laid on her living room floor for about 4 hours just talking about anything and everything.  GLORIOUS. 

Then, I left to drive home, and ate Arby's cheese sticks and a diet dr. pepper for dinner in the car.  CLASSY. 

Right now, I have no idea of what day of the cycle this is and I do not care.  I haven't updated the blog in a long time mostly because I have been in a very dark place for the last few weeks.  We are benched again due to cysts and I am so angry at life.  I will update in the next few days with details about what comes next in the quest for our baby, but until then, just know that life in my world sucks.  I'm trying to cope as well as I can, and the above story is a way that I tried to make it through. 

I don't have kids.  There are a lot of things that I cannot do while I'm in a treatment cycle.  So I took advantage of both of those things and took an entire day to be lazy, relaxed, and do/eat/say/think whatever the hell I wanted.  After all the craziness I've been through, I deserved it. 

CD1: The Definition of Insanity

Insanity= Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Well if that is true, I deserve a straight jacket by now. 

I woke up this morning with the expectation of peeing on a stick and having it change my life.  Instead, I peed on a stick and realized that I have to relive the exact same thing that I've been doing over and over for the past 6 months.  No life changer there, other than a little bit more bitterness added to my heart. 

Not only did I have to watch the stupid stick stay stark white, but I literally started my cycle within minutes of that - with cramps that would blow your mind.  If it had worked, my due date would have been the day after my birthday... but it can't be that easy or nice, of course.   

So here we are again.... back to square one.  I am so incredibly pissed off that I can't even put it in to words.  I've been pissed before, but the level of my anger today is like nothing I've ever felt in my entire life...

I. Do. Not. Understand. Why. 

Now, if you'll pardon me, I need to drink.  Heavily.  

7 days after trigger: My poor body.

As I sit here watching the Biggest Loser Finale show, I can't help but to be sad about the not-so-awesome changes that my body has gone through over the last 19 months.  I have gained 15-18 pounds since our wedding (it's hard to know what my 'exact' weight is as it fluctuates a lot with the meds).  I'm not allowed to run, do tae bo, kickbox, or anything else that causes jiggling or bouncing of my ovaries.  Hyperstimulation (what I've been doing since August) of the ovaries causes them to enlarge.  If you jostle them too much, they can twist and cut off the blood supply, and your ovaries can die.  I may have said that in a previous post, but it still blows my mind that it's true.  Everything on me is bigger, except for my self confidence, which is much smaller.  

So let me get this straight... infertility causes depression which causes a lack of energy or will to do much of anything.  The hormones that I am pumping my body full of cause you to gain weight.  Because I am taking those hormones, I am not allowed to work out, which causes me to gain more weight.  My ass bigger... and definitely not amused. 

There's also "the bloat".  For me, my body does this a few days after my trigger shot and lasts for about a week.  It started Saturday when I woke up, had to pee SO bad, and hardly could.  Today, it got even worse, so I took a picture for you.  I'm not happy about it, but I suppose it's good to show what all of these shenanigans are doing to me. 

So me, my 3-4 month pregnant looking stomach, and my grumpy mood are signing off for the evening.  Hoping that tomorrow is nicer than today in all aspects, and that I don't have to wear my maternity pants and can zip up a regular pair.  Baby steps of hoping in my quest and hope for a baby I suppose. 

CD 16: And the waiting has begun...

I am now 3 days post IUI#5.  Tuesday was the big day, and hubby had great numbers... 45 million swimmers :)  So, what are the odds that 45 million sperm can find 3 eggs, fertilize one or all of them, implant properly, and grow a human??  About 20%.  Not fantastic odds, but I suppose we have a chance... "So you're telling me there's a chance?"

While I was laying on the table afterwards, I couldn't feel happy or sad or scared or hopeful.  Although I was hopeful that 2013 would be our turning point, it has been nothing but exhausting, disappointing, and downright mean to us.  At that moment in time, I just felt a sense of nothing.  I had done what I could, and other than a few doctor prescribed rolls in the hay that night and the next, there was nothing left to do but to wait.  I don't hope anymore, I just wait. 

Here's a very sleepy me that morning, waiting.

So now, we are in the midst of the dreaded 2 week wait.  I have a lot of work related items to get done, but I am needing to find some sort of project to do to keep my mind busy.  I really want to paint our hallway and I also need to make a headboard for our new bed - I just need to pick which one to tackle.  I will just be damned sure that whatever I do will not involve needles of any kind.  This girl needs a break. 

**ps: Today is one of my bestest friend's birthday.  She has been there for so many good times and many of my life's awful times... and still loves me regardless :)  Happy birthday Steph - thanks for always being there when I need you, especially now.  Love you!

CD12: Ready or not, here we go again

Here we are - on the eve of our 5th IUI - and as usual I am a bundle of nerves.  I had bloodwork and another ultrasound today, and 3 nice follies popped up on the screen.  One @ 19.5mm and two @ 16.5mm.  

Thank you 8lb 6oz Baby Jesus, hallelujah, let the angels sing, cha ching, booyah!

My estrogen (E2) level checked in at 1270 (200-400 per mature follie), which means they are all mature too.  The nurse gave me my trigger shot, had a little heart to heart about how she is so hopeful that this works, scheduled me for an insem tomorrow, and booted me out the door.  Of course, I instantly started questioning the size of the follies, the levels of estrogen, and worse than all, already began thinking what if this doesn't work.  It is impossible to be positive.... I swear on my Grandma's meatballs.  

So, the plan is to wake up at 4:30, leave at 5:30 with hubby's sample tucked in against my cleavage and drive like a crazy woman to Akron.  Drop the sample off, wait for Subway to open, eat some breakfast and sleep a little in the waiting room downstairs, head back up at 8am and get inseminated.  Then, awesomely, drive back to Wooster and work 10a-7p.  Needless to say, it is a process.

I have been waiting since January to have another chance to try.  All this work, just for a crapshoot of a try.  All it takes is one egg and one sperm, yet it has been so challenging so far... how is that even possible?  The only thing I can do is hope our fortune will change, and in that regard, this was in my cookie with my chicken lo mein today... puhlease let this mean something...

 

 

CD11: Back in the game, biznatch!

Well, hey folks.  I've been missing in action for a few days.  Life has been nothing short of crazy. 

Let me catch you up real quick:
- FINALLY started my cycle last Thursday
- Went in for ultrasound last Friday to find ovaries were cyst-free (hoo-freaking-ray!)
- Started on daily injections the next day
- Another ultrasound 3 days ago and bloodwork: ultrasound showed 5 follicles growing
- Instructions were continue 125iu of follistim daily and recheck follies Monday morning. 

There are questions and thoughts continuously swirling through my head.  Did the lap surgery help my chances?  What are we going to do if this round doesn't work?  When can I feel normal again? --> *actually, most everyone that knows me would say I have never been 'normal'. 

So, sometime within the next 3 days will probably be our insemination if all goes according to plan.  I am not feeling negative, but I am definitely not feeling positive either.  The infertile numbness officially set in about 4 months ago so that's kinda normal for me now.  I will update tomorrow night after I know a little bit more.  Until then.... sweet dreams of needles and alcohol pads....