CD 16: And the waiting has begun...

I am now 3 days post IUI#5.  Tuesday was the big day, and hubby had great numbers... 45 million swimmers :)  So, what are the odds that 45 million sperm can find 3 eggs, fertilize one or all of them, implant properly, and grow a human??  About 20%.  Not fantastic odds, but I suppose we have a chance... "So you're telling me there's a chance?"

While I was laying on the table afterwards, I couldn't feel happy or sad or scared or hopeful.  Although I was hopeful that 2013 would be our turning point, it has been nothing but exhausting, disappointing, and downright mean to us.  At that moment in time, I just felt a sense of nothing.  I had done what I could, and other than a few doctor prescribed rolls in the hay that night and the next, there was nothing left to do but to wait.  I don't hope anymore, I just wait. 

Here's a very sleepy me that morning, waiting.

So now, we are in the midst of the dreaded 2 week wait.  I have a lot of work related items to get done, but I am needing to find some sort of project to do to keep my mind busy.  I really want to paint our hallway and I also need to make a headboard for our new bed - I just need to pick which one to tackle.  I will just be damned sure that whatever I do will not involve needles of any kind.  This girl needs a break. 

**ps: Today is one of my bestest friend's birthday.  She has been there for so many good times and many of my life's awful times... and still loves me regardless :)  Happy birthday Steph - thanks for always being there when I need you, especially now.  Love you!

CD12: Ready or not, here we go again

Here we are - on the eve of our 5th IUI - and as usual I am a bundle of nerves.  I had bloodwork and another ultrasound today, and 3 nice follies popped up on the screen.  One @ 19.5mm and two @ 16.5mm.  

Thank you 8lb 6oz Baby Jesus, hallelujah, let the angels sing, cha ching, booyah!

My estrogen (E2) level checked in at 1270 (200-400 per mature follie), which means they are all mature too.  The nurse gave me my trigger shot, had a little heart to heart about how she is so hopeful that this works, scheduled me for an insem tomorrow, and booted me out the door.  Of course, I instantly started questioning the size of the follies, the levels of estrogen, and worse than all, already began thinking what if this doesn't work.  It is impossible to be positive.... I swear on my Grandma's meatballs.  

So, the plan is to wake up at 4:30, leave at 5:30 with hubby's sample tucked in against my cleavage and drive like a crazy woman to Akron.  Drop the sample off, wait for Subway to open, eat some breakfast and sleep a little in the waiting room downstairs, head back up at 8am and get inseminated.  Then, awesomely, drive back to Wooster and work 10a-7p.  Needless to say, it is a process.

I have been waiting since January to have another chance to try.  All this work, just for a crapshoot of a try.  All it takes is one egg and one sperm, yet it has been so challenging so far... how is that even possible?  The only thing I can do is hope our fortune will change, and in that regard, this was in my cookie with my chicken lo mein today... puhlease let this mean something...

 

 

CD11: Back in the game, biznatch!

Well, hey folks.  I've been missing in action for a few days.  Life has been nothing short of crazy. 

Let me catch you up real quick:
- FINALLY started my cycle last Thursday
- Went in for ultrasound last Friday to find ovaries were cyst-free (hoo-freaking-ray!)
- Started on daily injections the next day
- Another ultrasound 3 days ago and bloodwork: ultrasound showed 5 follicles growing
- Instructions were continue 125iu of follistim daily and recheck follies Monday morning. 

There are questions and thoughts continuously swirling through my head.  Did the lap surgery help my chances?  What are we going to do if this round doesn't work?  When can I feel normal again? --> *actually, most everyone that knows me would say I have never been 'normal'. 

So, sometime within the next 3 days will probably be our insemination if all goes according to plan.  I am not feeling negative, but I am definitely not feeling positive either.  The infertile numbness officially set in about 4 months ago so that's kinda normal for me now.  I will update tomorrow night after I know a little bit more.  Until then.... sweet dreams of needles and alcohol pads....

Post-op Appointment

Today was my post-op after my lap.  I shaved my legs last night, and all for nothing!  Apparently, today was just for talking - no vag cam necessary.  I sat in the exam room for 70 minutes waiting for him to come in.  I swear to you, I have the patience of a freaking saint.  My blood pressure was soaring by the time he opened the door. 

He showed me 24 pictures of my insides that he took during my procedure.  Good news... I have a uterus!  Next came the pictures of my paratubal cyst.  I felt silly snapping a pic on my phone but it looked like a clear balloon with blood vessels around it.  He assured me today that he removed the entire thing, and he said he has no way of telling if that cyst had any baring on our poor baby making luck.  

Lastly, he showed me the pictures of my endometriosis.  It was located on the posterior cul de sac of the pelvis.  According to Moon-dog, this is the most important area of the pelvis when it comes to creating a human.  The ovaries hang down into the cul de sac, which means the ovaries, ends of fallopian tubes, back of the uterus and intestines are susceptible to the disease.  

It looked very similar to this: (the discolored areas are the endo)

So, of course, he lasered it away, and hopefully lasered our 

troubles, disappointment, and sadness away with it. 

Now, for the part that you've been waiting for.  I got the ok to stop my birth control pills today, and the plan is to wait for my cycle to start (hopefully within 1-2 days), do a day 3 ultrasound to make certain the ovarian cysts are gone, and then start back up on the daily injections.  IUI #5 to follow sometime hopefully mid march.  I'm hoping that this is the turning point for us.  It has been an incredibly long and tiring journey and this girl is about wiped out.  There is a saying "the harder to get, the better to have".  If that is true, this child is going to be superkid, strikingly good looking, never ever get in trouble, and probably find the cure for cancer.  Can't freaking wait.  Ha.

Being the Cool Aunt is second best

I have a new little buddy. 

He's handsome, smells good, and very cuddly... 

and he stole my heart instantly.  

You may be asking yourself how an infertile like myself handles a new baby in the family.  Well, there are a wide range of emotions, but at the end of the day, he is my nephew, and I would throw myself in front of a train to save him.  I want to teach him how to be a respectful man, just like his uncle.  I want to have movie night sleep overs and let him eat way too much candy and run wildly around the house like a little sugar-high crazy man.  I want to smother him in kisses and hugs, even when he's too old and it's not "cool" to love your family anymore.  

The phone call from my sister-in-law was excruciating when she called to tell me she was pregnant.  Not for me, but for her.  She had known of our troubles for about 5-6 months at that time.  We had had our first appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist 2 months before.  And we had been trying for 9 months at that time.  She was very upset, and I'm sure it was extremely hard for her to tell me.  They had put off trying for a little bit to try to let us have our "happy moment" first, but this is the way the cards were dealt.  I would be lying if I said I didn't cry after I got off the phone, but I quickly recovered.  How could I possibly be upset about another nephew?  

My next thoughts were "well, it's totally fine, because I will be pregnant for sure by the time that he is born, and then it won't sting at all, and then our babies can grow up together."  Well, obviously that didn't quite work out.  I had my laparoscopy 4 days before he was born.  And when I got to meet him last weekend, I just stared down at him while holding him and resting him against my fresh scars.

 

Life works that way sometimes.  You can plan all you want and hope that things work out just how you'd like.  But it's not going to happen like that.  

You roll with the punches, cry when you're in private, smile when you're in public, and most importantly - for me at least - you focus all your love on 3 little people.  

Hurry up and freaking wait

Happy Valentines Day, peeps.  This used to be one of my favorite days of the year.  This year, not so much, but then again, I don't have a lot of favorite things lately.  If you're looking for hearts and flowers and sweetness, look away... quickly, 'cause you aren't gonna find any of that crap here today. 
Wah wah wah... blah blah blah.

Our journey to parenthood has of course not been much fun, and it's seeming to intensify in it's suckiness. Yesterday, I played phone tag 6 times trying to be able to talk with a nurse at my clinic.  You have to keep leaving voicemails, and then they call back, but when you have my job, you are never able to answer the phone.  I called to ask 2 questions:
- How bad was the endo?  Mild, moderate, severe, trainwreck?
- I have 3 days of birth control pills left, then will start next cycle.  Can I please pick back up with treatment?

Pretty easy questions in my opinion.  Well, nothing is easy when you are an infertile.  This is what the nurse said when I finally got to talk to her:
"Hi Jen, I talked to Dr. M and he said that he talked with your husband right after surgery to tell him everything, but yes, he did find endometriosis.  Also, you have to have a post-op visit before we can come up with a plan.  Let's go ahead and get that scheduled for next week."
So... a lot of talking, but no answers to the questions. 

I heard back from them today, telling me that he wants me to continue on with another pack of bc pills, without letting myself have a period, so my fingers are crossed that means that he is maybe considering letting me start back up after I see him on the 22nd.  All I know for sure is that I had a mini-meltdown yesterday when I was realizing how long we have been at this and that we might be on the cusp of adding another wasted month.  OY!  My mind works like this:
'Ok, I let you cut me open, you cleaned my shit up, now let's get the freaking ball rolling and knock me up already, like now!'
My mom got frustrated with me yesterday while I was venting, telling me that I just had surgery and need to cool it and stop acting like my father.  I understand that (all three of those things are true), but it seems to be pretty hard for everyone to understand that I am now in month #18 without a positive test, or much of anything positive for that matter. 

Take a moment, soak that in.

  18 months.  

And I can't do a damn thing about it.  

Depressing, right?  Sorry...

I'm just in one of those moods and I've learned that I just have to wait until the mood passes.  In a few days, I'll be 'fine' again and able to force my fake smiles and act like I'm functioning at a high level.  But for today, I just want to be pissed. 

Just so I don't leave you all feeling like you just watched a super sad movie, I'll post a pic of my sweet valentine.  She still loves me, pissed or not. 

Lap Results: He found a Mess... YES!

Howdy y'all.  I'm back amongst the living.  Yesterday was a very long day.  We left the house at 9:45a and got home at 11p.  Moon-dog was behind all morning (surprise, surprise) so my pre-op appointment that was supposed to be at 10:45 actually happened at 12:15.  He basically just talked with Ryan and I about what was going to happen and then we went downstairs to the same day surgical center.  Right before we left his office, he said the famous last words, "I know I'm running behind, but my first surgical case before you should be short and sweet, so we will probably start on time."  As a doc myself, I know you should never promise those things.  It's Murphy's Law.  

Well, they got me prepped, put my IV in, took me upstairs to the surgical center, then kicked my hubby and mom out to the waiting room.  I laid there for a good 45 minutes, and a nurse came over saying that she called my family back in to sit with me for awhile because the case before me was taking much longer than expected.  And when I say much longer, I mean he was in there with her for 2 hours when it should have been 30 minutes.  Doc came into where I was waiting to apologize for being behind, and then proceeded to tell us that the case before had a fibroid tumor that filled her entire uterus and he broke 2 roto-rooter tools while trying to break it up.  He looked exhausted, and I thought to myself "that's probably not the best thing to say when you're about to open me up doc." 

The anesthesiologist then injected something into my IV to help me relax, I said bye to my family and they wheeled me back.  I think I have about 30 seconds of memory from there on.  The last thing I recall was the anesthesiologist saying "ok doc smith, go ahead and take a deep breath" and I remember the gas smelling disgusting. 

I woke up in the recovery room with mom and Ryan staring at me.  My throat hurt so bad from the intubation and I immediately started complaining that I was hungry and wanted Chick-fil-a. (it was about 7pm when I woke up)  They told me that I wasn't allowed to leave until I peed, so I started chugging fluids while Ryan went to fill my pain meds.  All in all, this is what I drank:
-2 cans of ginger ale
-a bottle of diet dr pepper
-2 hospital pitchers of water
-small bottle of gatorade
-cup of hot tea

... and after all that, I couldn't pee.  They cathed me during surgery, and I had gone so long without fluids that I was awfully dehydrated.  I was getting very irritated at the nurses, so I just went and sat in the bathroom for 15 minutes and forced some out.  I was so proud of myself, called the nurse in, and she said it wasn't enough and I had to go more.  Um, excuse me biznatch?  So, my mother, being the good nurse she is, grabbed my IV bag and opened it all the way and started squeezing the fluids into me as I chugged more water.  About 15 minutes later, I was able to go again, and the begged to get the hell out of there.  We left the hospital at 10:15pm... and then went to Wendy's because Chick-fil-a was closed.  Boo! 

I'm pretty sore today and also pretty sleepy.  The incision he made at my hip bone hurts pretty bad.  I woke up every hour, on the hour last night to pee because I was so full of fluids (stupid nurse).  But it's all worth it, at least, I hope so.  Doc found multiple cysts and endometriosis and told Ryan that he "took care of it all".  So, we are hopeful that that was the root cause of our reproductive woes.  Honestly, I would have been enormously pissed off if it was all rainbows and a pot of gold in there, so I am so happy there was a mess.  Does it suck to have to deal with endometriosis now... yes.  But at least we have some sort of 'problem' to blame all this on. 

I'm not certain what the next step is, or when the next step gets to happen, so I will call the office on Monday to get some more answers.  Until then, I'm parked on my couch for the weekend watching basketball and cooking shows, and eating an insane amount of popsicles to help with this sore throat.  Oh, and the vicodin is pretty nice too :)  Somebody get me a cocktail!...