So darlin', darlin', stand.. by me...

I married an amazing man.  

Hands down, the best guy I know (in a very un-biased opinion, haha).  I believe we both knew about midway through our first date that this was probably going to be a forever kind of thing.  I've always described our relationship as 'easy'.  It was easy to fall in love with him.  Easy to get along with him.  Easy to agree to marry him.  I never have to "try" to be a good wife to him.  We just get each other.  The day I married him, I was so calm - which freaked my mother out - because I just knew it was right.  There was nothing to worry about.  Happiest day and biggest smiles of my life.  

And then... we got about 4 months of marital bliss.  We had lied to our family and friends (sorry guys) and told them all we wouldn't be trying for kids right away.  We didn't want people to know that we were trying just in case it took a few months to get pregnant.  Few months... ha!  F*ck that!  Around December of 2011 we started to figure out that something wasn't quite right with me.  We thought we were pregnant on my 29th birthday actually, and I can still see the twinkle in my hubby's eyes when I came out of the bathroom after taking a test.  He looked so hopeful and excited and ready to celebrate.  That memory breaks. my. heart.  

Ever since then, we have been in a whirlwind of bloodwork, semen samples, vag cams, hormones, artificial inseminations, and best of all: scheduled sex.  Nothing says "hot" like having your doctor tell you what time of day to get busy.  I actually write it in my planner just to make sure we follow the 'rules'.  I'm a freaking emotional basketcase at all hours of every day and there's my poor hubby... just having to deal with it.  Infertility takes it's toll on your body, your mind, your heart, and worst of all, your marriage.  

Hubby's not perfect - I'm not delusional.  There are times that I'm in a terrible mood or very sad and he doesn't understand why.  There are times here and there when I feel like he's not being considerate of my shitty feelings.  But for the most part, he's just there, waiting to pick up my pieces when I fall apart.  When I was putting my pants back on after finding out I was benched with cysts and scheduled for surgery, he whispered "dinner is on me tonight" and then bought me fried pickles at Max&Ermas (yum-o).  He cancelled his trip to Athens for Sibs Weekend next weekend because of my lap surgery being scheduled the day before it.  He puts a bottle of water in my car for me on days that I have to make the long drive to the doctor's.  Little things, but important for me to know that he's got my back.  

Most importantly, my hubby is a father already... just in waiting.  He will be an amazing dad.  He's got the skills - no training necessary.  He is ready, and he wants kids so badly.  For now, he plays the role of the uncle that everyone wishes they had.  We have an amazing niece and nephew (and soon to be another nephew in about a week or so).  The love he has for those kids oozes out of his soul.  This picture of my niece with him melts my heart every time I see it. 

He's always optimistic that every treatment cycle is going to work and I can see the disappointment he tries to hide in his face when I tell him that it didn't.  He doesn't deserve to have to wait so long and to have to 'produce his specimen' in a plastic cup on demand.  It makes me even more sad to think about him being disappointed.  It's my fault that he's not a dad yet.  My body is the broken one.  On really bad days, I even allow myself to wonder if he would still have wanted to marry me if he knew there was a possibility I couldn't have any kids > what an awful thought to think, but a valid question when you are in the throes of a breakdown. 

So our easy relationship has turned into a tension filled, schedule busting, emotional roller coaster, financial draining, yet still (thankfully) loving marriage.  The one silver lining of this whole shit-show: if we can make it through infertility, we can make it through anything.  I can seriously say that.  If we didn't have a fantastic marriage before we started this journey, we would be totally screwed.  Totally.

I'm a lucky girl.  I found a man that makes me incredibly happy.  I'm just desperately trying to turn that amazing hubby into an amazing daddy.  And I won't stop until I do.  I mean, who could resist having a kid that resembles this cuteness?...