Blogging Virginity

My very first blog....  Where do I begin?  I could start by telling you how blessed I am and how I'm grateful to have an amazing husband, beautiful house, 2 thriving businesses, a supportive family, and the cutest dog on earth.  I could start by saying that my friends are cooler than your friends and I love them just as much as I love my family.  I could start by telling you a funny story from my past that would make you laugh so hard that you'd probably pee a little. 
But lately, none of those things are important and I really don't give a flying rats ass.  Nothing matters.  Not.  A.  Thing.  That's what infertility does to you.  It takes the joy out of every moment of every day.  You cannot be happy.  I could win the lottery tomorrow and I assure you, I would not be happy.  Every minute, every day, your mind is only thinking about the one thing that you don't and can't (for now) have.  Your heart is so heavy that it feels like it is down in your barren, empty, malfunctioning bitch of a uterus.  If you can manage to muster a smile, and you're good at putting on a show (I'm the champ), you may be able to fool a random person here and there to believe that it's real.  For those that have seen my "shiny Jen" smile, know that I haven't flashed one of those in well over a year. 
It strips you naked of anything good.  It makes you numb.  It makes you feel like a hollow shell of your former self, there in body but not in mind.  Most importantly, it's not fair and it hurts to a level that only those who have had to suffer through it can understand. 
It sucks to have to talk about it.  It sucks to have to go through it.  It sucks to have to admit it. 
There it is.  The start of my blog.  The public outing of my sorrows.  A place for me to try to make sense of the madness.  And hopefully, one day, a place for me to publish a pic of my true, knocked up, shiny Jen smile.  Until then, I stick to my longtime mantra, donated by a dear delta gamma sorority sister many years ago... It's TOTALLY fine.