CD3: Overcoming the fear

Today I gave myself my first (self-administered) injection.  It wasn't fun, but I did it, and with no crying I might add.  I asked the amazing hubby to come upstairs and give me moral support and document the process.  He asked why I wanted pictures and I told him I don't ever want to forget what we are going through, especially one day if we do have a baby, and I'm a sleep deprived, stressed out, hormonal, giant B - I want to be able to remember how much shit I had to go through to get to that craziness. 

I had to rack my brain to remember how to do it, as my teaching class was over 2 weeks ago.  Basically, it goes like this:
- Take pen apart and insert super expensive tiny tube of medicine.
- Screw on needle and uncap
- Dial in 150units of medicine
- Alcohol swab the injection site (2 inches out and down from the belly button)
- Let skin dry so it doesn't burn like a mother f-er
- Deep Breath
- Poke straight in like throwing a dart
- Push syringe button to inject medicine, then count to 5
- Remove needle and hope it doesn't bleed

In all honesty, I think I took more than one deep breath.  I have always hated needles, they make me sick and I usually get tears in my eyes.  This whole infertility debacle has helped with that with all the blood work, ovulation trigger shots (administered by nurse), and other poking and prodding along the way.  But never in my life did I think I would have to stick myself.  The thought of it makes me wanna vomit, but it really didn't hurt.  The medicine burns a little, and now as I'm writing this 20 minutes later, I already feel a little bloated.  But it's not as terrible as I thought it would be. 

Here are some action shots for you:

      Ryan got a little lightheaded and I peaked my head out of the bathroom to find him like this

                               Here's the spot.  Not terrible, though they say it will bruise tomorrow

                                  This is my 'sharps container'.  Had to keep it classy somehow. 

CD1.

I must be psychic.  Last night while putting the finishing touches on my blog, I just felt hopeless and that our latest cycle did not work.  Sure enough, I woke up at 5am and realized that my period had started.... fan-freaking-tastic. 
So, we are officially now on to injectables.
Yes, that's right, ME, poking myself with needles and burny medicine on a daily basis.  Wrap your brain around that.   
Protocol after any treatment cycle is an internal ultrasound on CD1 thru CD3 (CD = cycle day) to make sure you don't have any ovarian cysts before starting more medication.  If you did, you run the risk of rupturing that cyst and destroying your ovary.  My ovaries hate me anyway, so it would be JUST like them to grow a cyst...
Heading to Akron tomorrow with the amazing hubs for an appointment at 8:45am on a Saturday to have the vag cam while on my period.  Now if that's not a good time, I don't know what is... 

Blogging Virginity

My very first blog....  Where do I begin?  I could start by telling you how blessed I am and how I'm grateful to have an amazing husband, beautiful house, 2 thriving businesses, a supportive family, and the cutest dog on earth.  I could start by saying that my friends are cooler than your friends and I love them just as much as I love my family.  I could start by telling you a funny story from my past that would make you laugh so hard that you'd probably pee a little. 
But lately, none of those things are important and I really don't give a flying rats ass.  Nothing matters.  Not.  A.  Thing.  That's what infertility does to you.  It takes the joy out of every moment of every day.  You cannot be happy.  I could win the lottery tomorrow and I assure you, I would not be happy.  Every minute, every day, your mind is only thinking about the one thing that you don't and can't (for now) have.  Your heart is so heavy that it feels like it is down in your barren, empty, malfunctioning bitch of a uterus.  If you can manage to muster a smile, and you're good at putting on a show (I'm the champ), you may be able to fool a random person here and there to believe that it's real.  For those that have seen my "shiny Jen" smile, know that I haven't flashed one of those in well over a year. 
It strips you naked of anything good.  It makes you numb.  It makes you feel like a hollow shell of your former self, there in body but not in mind.  Most importantly, it's not fair and it hurts to a level that only those who have had to suffer through it can understand. 
It sucks to have to talk about it.  It sucks to have to go through it.  It sucks to have to admit it. 
There it is.  The start of my blog.  The public outing of my sorrows.  A place for me to try to make sense of the madness.  And hopefully, one day, a place for me to publish a pic of my true, knocked up, shiny Jen smile.  Until then, I stick to my longtime mantra, donated by a dear delta gamma sorority sister many years ago... It's TOTALLY fine.