How it all works....

Today is day 7 of stims.  I'm starting to feel a little full in the ovary zone and the headaches are pretty constant at this point.  I am wishing and hoping and praying and begging that the increased dose of follistim was enough to get my ovaries to stop taking their sweet ass time.  We head to the doctor tomorrow at 8:30 for another check and I'm happy Ryan can go with me since he is off work.

I've had a few friends and family members say that they are kinda unsure how this whole thing works.  These 2 videos should give you a pretty good overview of what we are doing. 







 And because I'm a little tired from floating in the pool today, here's a little photo dump for you to finish off the night. 

Meds Schedule

Boxes of Meds

Here's what's going inside of me... olggggg.

 Few days old from day 5 of stims...

And here's my princess puppy hanging out with me in the pool today.

Slow Start

Well today was my first monitoring appointment after starting the stimulating injections 4 days ago.  I am on a dose that is almost 3 times stronger than what I've been on before.  One would think that this would produce a lot of eggs pretty quickly.... One would be wrong. 

The vag cam showed a bunch (maybe around 8) super tiny follicles on the right ovary.  And the left had one super tiny one.  I, of course, immediately started to panic as I was staring at the screen, begging to see some nice looking follicles.  Doc noticed this and calmly told me that everything is fine, and that my ovaries are just having a hard time waking up from the lupron that put them to sleep.  I, the skeptic, didn't buy into his calmness. 

Before he left the room he patted my head and told me to stay on the same dose unless they called later that afternoon.  They had to wait to get the estrogen levels back from my blood work before he would know for sure.  Well, around 4:30, the nurse called and said that my E2 levels were pretty darn low and that he wants to increase the dose to try to speed things up a little.  So tonight, instead of 300, I injected 450units at once.  I am scheduled to go back Friday morning and will have another blood draw and ultrasound.  The hope is that there will be some decent looking follicles and that I don't get set back too many days. 

It's getting a little stressful because I have taken off work for certain days this next week based on the estimates that they gave me, but now, it's looking like all of those estimates will end up being incorrect.  There's still a chance that they will catch up, but I guess I won't know that for sure until I see it happen. 

So, it's been a slightly disappointing day, but not awful.  I guess being a constant overachiever makes me feel like I'm not growing follies as well as I should or could be.  There's not much that I can do about it, other than keep jabbing myself in the stomach, so that's what I shall do. 

Ready or not... Commence the Crazy.

Annnnnnnnddddd.... We're Off!

For the last 2 weeks, I've been on Lupron, birth control pills, baby aspirin, antibiotics, and prenatal vitamins in the hopes to shut all my hormones and ovaries down.  My doc explains IVF to me like this... you can either ramp up your ovaries super fast and then try to quickly shut them back down to retrieve the eggs before you can ovulate, or you can suppress your system so you cook your eggs low and slow (like a good brisket) and then hopefully have better timing in retrieval.  He says it's the difference between driving down a hill as fast as your car will go and slamming on the brakes at the bottom, or coasting down with your foot constantly lightly on the brake.  It's a lot easier to stop if you are coasting. 

My Lupron packet

So, anyhoo, we were on what they call the long lupron protocol.  Downfall was 5 pound weight gain, and having to wait a longer time before you start growing follicles.  Good news is that we will hopefully get more mature eggs at the end of the road.  It has been extremely frustrating though to wake up at 6am every morning, weekends included, and shoot myself in the stomach knowing that it's shutting everything down and not getting any closer to growing some follies.  It's like a kid on Christmas morning having to wait while everyone opens their presents in a circle one at a time.  It Takes For-FREAKING-Ever!

Well today, it's my turn on Christmas morning.  I went to Akron yesterday.  Had a vag cam & bloodwork and was told that I was sufficiently suppressed.  So now, we get to grow some eggs.  I dropped the lupron down to 5 units (from 10) and will continue taking that each morning (the foot gently on the brake).  But this evening, I got to start my Follistim. 

When we were doing IUI, I would inject 125units every night.  This usually resulted in 3-4 follicles at the end of the cycle.  Now, with IVF, we go big.  300units every night.  I like this needle much more than the lupron one.  Less pinch for sure. 

This is what $254 dollars looks like.

One of these every night...

 Day #1

I injected the Follistim about an hour ago and can already feel a nice little headache coming on.  But I'll take it.  Give me headaches, give me fatness, give me bruises like this from hitting veins:

Give it all to me... just please give me a baby when it's all over and done.  

5 pounds in 6 days... Impressive

Last Friday, I started my suppressing injections.  The drug is called Lupron, but it might as well be called sticks-of-pure-butter-every-fried-food-chocolate-coated-everything.  I have put on an additional 5 pounds... on top of the 15 that I have already gained during this 2 year process.  I have a double chin, my face is swollen, my arms jiggle, my ass has a nametag that says 'Kardashian', and my stomach is already starting to swell.  Sweet Baby Jesus. 

The kicker is that Lupron is not stimulating anything good to grow.  It's job is to put my ovaries and reproductive organs to sleep.  5 pounds may not sound terrible, but I just keep imagining how much more will come when I actually start stimulating eggs.  I would post a picture of me, except for I don't want to, so you'll just have to imagine the puffiness. 

Tomorrow is my last birth control pill (hopefully for my entire life).  I will continue injecting 10units of Lupron, taking doxycycline twice a day, baby aspirin, and prenatals until Friday the 12th, which is when the craziness starts and we get to finally grow some (hopefully lots) of eggs. 

So basically, the point of this post is to whine.  That's the great thing about this blog is I get to say whatever I want.  I want to say that I'm pissed off that I look like this.  Grr. 

Sometimes the best things in life are NOT free.

Today, we are ALL IN. 

We signed our consent form for our upcoming IVF. 
And we paid for it. 
In full. 
::Trigger the vomit reflex::

I haven't blogged in awhile due to a myriad of reasons, but today everything got serious, so today I'm back.  My first injections for IVF start Friday morning and I will continue shooting up until around the 3rd week of July.  While signing all 27 pages of the consent form, I kept reading about how there are never any guarantees.  There's no guarantee that our egg and sperm will make an embryo, no guarantee I will become pregnant with that embryo, no guarantee that I won't miscarry the baby if I do get pregnant, no guarantee that the baby won't have any birth defects, etc. etc. etc.

The odds of me actually getting knocked up is a little less that 50%. 

So roulette wheel, right?  Put your money down.  50% of the time you'll double your money and walk away a winner.  50% of the time, you lose it all. 

Well, today we bet $10,656.90 so far.  Allllllllll in.

Basic IVF= $7,300 
(includes visits, blood work, ultrasounds, trial transfer, egg retrieval with anesthesia, embryo care, embryo transfer back into me)
ICSI = $1,500
(intracytoplasmic sperm injection: This is an extra process we decided to pay for.  The embryologist will specifically pick the sperm that look the best and actually inject each mature egg with a hopefully super smart sperm.  This has been shown to lead to better fertilization rates.)
Medications =$1,856.90
(so far... I need to contact the second pharmacy in the morning to make a payment on the other half of the medications we need.  the office is really good at calling all the pharmacies to determine what to order from where to result in the lowest out of pocket costs)

At a time when everyone tells you to lower your stress and remain calm, they also ask you for 10K.  Now, don't get me wrong, we would pay it over and over and over again if we had to.  It's just really dis-concerning when we have now emptied our savings, checking, and every spare dollar we had just for a 50/50 chance.  Any normal person would say that's crazy.  But any infertile couple would do it at the blink of an eye.  We luckily got a very generous gift from my parents to help towards the payment this time, without which, we would have had to wait a few months until we saved up.  Regardless, it's a shit-ton of cash.  I asked for a shot of Petron after they handed me my receipt today.  The nurses laughed, but I was 100% serious. 

So today it begins... we are scared, nervous, excited, hopeful, doubtful... and officially broke. 

And then, sometimes, everything just crumbles.

This is not the post that I envisioned writing.

Damn it.  

I am one strong lady... but this last week has broken me to a point that I'm not sure I'll ever fully return from.  This entire journey has been grueling, exhausting, expensive, frustrating, painful (emotionally and physically) - just awful - and I kept myself going by repeating the mantra that it can't get much worse. 

And then, just like that, both of my worst nightmares came true.

A week ago, my freshly married, hopelessly immature, incredibly poor, emotionally unstable baby sister told me that she was pregnant.  ::Insert gasps::  From what I could gather, this was on purpose and she is due in December.  My first question was "are you joking?"  (No)  My second question was "are you happy about this?"  (Yes)  I stood there in utter silence, just staring at her while my entire body started to shake.  She stared back and then muttered "Sorry" with about as much emotion as a my left thumb.  I lasted about 8 seconds looking at the floor with tears starting to burn my eyes and told her I had to leave.  Then I ran for the door, and collapsed into my husband's truck.  It was a terrible mix of sobbing, hyperventilating, heaving, and yelling "no, no, no, why, why, why, oh my god, why, no."  Now, I have cried hard before, but this was insanity.  It is really hard to explain how badly that hurt, but I can tell you honestly that I thought I was going to have to be sedated.  The crying comes and goes still, but the numbness that I've gotten really good at feeling has started to take over. 

See, I had this vision in my head.  Every former infertile always tells you that one day, it will all be worth it.  My mom really wants a grandchild.  Before she knew that we were having 'problems' she would squeeze in some mention of wanting me to get pregnant pretty much every time I saw her.  My vision was me and Ryan, in the hospital room, holding our baby/babies with my mom looking over us.  We are all crying, and I would look at my mom and just say "We did it."  I can see the look on her face, looking at her much awaited first grandbaby.  And now, my sister stole that moment from me.  On purpose.  And I'm pretty sure I will never fully forgive her for that.  The pain of going through our journey and treatments has now been magnified by a gazillion.  It hurts.  Really, really bad. 

Fast forward to Mother's Day: I do not get a positive pregnancy test, nor did I for the 4 days before that that I tested.  My sister tells one side of my family about her "good" news.  (NO, I was not there when she told them.  In fact, I made up an excuse to not go be with my family because I knew she would be there.  I cannot be held accountable if I punch her in the face, so I have to avoid her at all possible costs for the next 6 months).  And then, I start to spot.  And I crumble some more. 

So, that's all pretty terrible, right?  It can't get worse, right?  Ohhh, incorrect batman. 

I went to see my Doc yesterday to check for cysts and for what I thought would be the start of our last injectable IUI cycle.  He did not find any cysts, which was extremely surprising, and a sprinkle of decent news.  But then, he looked at me in a way that he hasn't before and asked how I was doing?  Perhaps he could see my emotional scars written across my face?  Or perhaps the vag cam has some magical emotion reading power that can tell him when I'm about to head to the nuthouse.  I didn't even have time to answer him before he started to tell me that everything has been perfect for the last 7 cycles and we have had no success.  Not even a hint of a pregnancy.  And we are approaching 2 years of trying.  He had originally said he might try one more IUI, but yesterday, he changed his mind.  It's still my decision what to do, but he is no longer convinced that IUI will work for us.  He is wondering if there is a problem with the actual fertilization of the egg with the sperm, or maybe the fertilized egg can't find it's way out of the tube, or who knows? 

Worst nightmare #2: He said that he thinks that IVF may be the only viable option for us, and the few pieces of my sanity I had left crumbled to the floor.  He went on to say that he doesn't want us to waste another $1,300 on another IUI cycle that does not have good odds of working now, when we could put that towards the astronomical cost of IVF.  In his words, he wants to end the madness.  And I agree with him.  I've been to over 40 appointments in the last year, missed countless hours of work, and spent a shit ton of cash.  Madness is a good way to describe it. 

So, Ryan and I have a consultation appointment on the 28th to discuss IVF with him and determine what our protocol will be.  I am on birth control pills to rest my ovaries.  And it has been a whirlwind of thoughts and decisions and emotions.  I honestly did not think that it would come to this.  I don't understand why this has to happen to us. 

Crumbled, indeed.  

CD19: Waiting is the worst part

Today we are 3days post IUI and I feel like crap.  Let me fill you in on the week...

On Monday, we woke up at 5:00, got ready, collected hubby's 'sample', and arrived in Akron at 6:30 with the goods.  You have to fill out a two sided form when you drop it off, they copy your drivers license, and sign the cup - it all takes about 5 minutes, but it's nerve wracking every time because the thought is always in your mind that if you mess up the steps, you will be inseminated with some random strangers sperm and end up with a baby that does not look like your husband.  Our niece and nephews come out of the womb looking like clones of my husband, so it would be very evident if they screw up.  We asked Doc once if that ever happens, and he said it has happened, and that heads roll when it does, but assured us it was extremely rare.  YIKES. 

We went to Panera for cinnamon crunch bagels and some iced tea (Mannnnn... I miss my diet coke) and then had to be back to the hospital an hour later.  They took us back to the room, and the nurse had both of us verify the sample with husbands birthdate and name on it.  I hopped up on the table and looked at the ultrasound table, which had a People magazine with the headlining story being about Princess Kate and how she is preparing to be a mother.  (not cool, people... not cool)

After a 10 minute wait, one of the doctors came in (not our usual) and made us verify the sample again, which makes you a little more uneasy thinking about how often the mix-ups actually happen.  The doctor while verifying the sample with hubby said "Do you know this girl?"  Hubby nodded and snickered and then doc said "Well you're about to get to know her really well" and then told me to slide down and spread 'em.  It took every ounce of strength for us both to not laugh and/or be really creeped out.  The IUI took about 5 seconds after he got the speculum set, and he said it went perfect.  We had 40 million sperm after washing, which is really good.  Add that to 3 follicles, good uterine lining, being on baby aspirin to increase blood flow to my uterus, and using progesterone vag suppositories nightly to make sure my cycle doesn't start too soon and flush out the embryos before they have enough time to snuggle in... So, nothing could be more perfect.  The docs are very happy with all of our variables.  With that being said, there is still only a 25% chance that this will work.  Doesn't that SUCK? 

So after our prescribed and scheduled sexy time for 2 days after the IUI, now all we can do is wait.  It seems like that's all we ever do.  We get told a lot that it's ok... it's only one more month, or it's only a few months after your endo was removed, or in this case, it's only a 2 week wait... well let me tell you, after this long, and this much effort, each day that you just have to wait is pretty excruciating.  Add to that the fact that I'm extremely moody, swollen, and sore, and it gets worse. 

Regardless, we don't have any choice but to wait.  Our waiting will come to an end on Mother's Day this month, as that is 2 weeks after our IUI and the day we are supposed to test.  This can only end one of two ways.... Really Good, or Extremely Bad.  Hold tight Team Jen... it's going to be a bumpy ride.