And then, sometimes, everything just crumbles.

This is not the post that I envisioned writing.

Damn it.  

I am one strong lady... but this last week has broken me to a point that I'm not sure I'll ever fully return from.  This entire journey has been grueling, exhausting, expensive, frustrating, painful (emotionally and physically) - just awful - and I kept myself going by repeating the mantra that it can't get much worse. 

And then, just like that, both of my worst nightmares came true.

A week ago, my freshly married, hopelessly immature, incredibly poor, emotionally unstable baby sister told me that she was pregnant.  ::Insert gasps::  From what I could gather, this was on purpose and she is due in December.  My first question was "are you joking?"  (No)  My second question was "are you happy about this?"  (Yes)  I stood there in utter silence, just staring at her while my entire body started to shake.  She stared back and then muttered "Sorry" with about as much emotion as a my left thumb.  I lasted about 8 seconds looking at the floor with tears starting to burn my eyes and told her I had to leave.  Then I ran for the door, and collapsed into my husband's truck.  It was a terrible mix of sobbing, hyperventilating, heaving, and yelling "no, no, no, why, why, why, oh my god, why, no."  Now, I have cried hard before, but this was insanity.  It is really hard to explain how badly that hurt, but I can tell you honestly that I thought I was going to have to be sedated.  The crying comes and goes still, but the numbness that I've gotten really good at feeling has started to take over. 

See, I had this vision in my head.  Every former infertile always tells you that one day, it will all be worth it.  My mom really wants a grandchild.  Before she knew that we were having 'problems' she would squeeze in some mention of wanting me to get pregnant pretty much every time I saw her.  My vision was me and Ryan, in the hospital room, holding our baby/babies with my mom looking over us.  We are all crying, and I would look at my mom and just say "We did it."  I can see the look on her face, looking at her much awaited first grandbaby.  And now, my sister stole that moment from me.  On purpose.  And I'm pretty sure I will never fully forgive her for that.  The pain of going through our journey and treatments has now been magnified by a gazillion.  It hurts.  Really, really bad. 

Fast forward to Mother's Day: I do not get a positive pregnancy test, nor did I for the 4 days before that that I tested.  My sister tells one side of my family about her "good" news.  (NO, I was not there when she told them.  In fact, I made up an excuse to not go be with my family because I knew she would be there.  I cannot be held accountable if I punch her in the face, so I have to avoid her at all possible costs for the next 6 months).  And then, I start to spot.  And I crumble some more. 

So, that's all pretty terrible, right?  It can't get worse, right?  Ohhh, incorrect batman. 

I went to see my Doc yesterday to check for cysts and for what I thought would be the start of our last injectable IUI cycle.  He did not find any cysts, which was extremely surprising, and a sprinkle of decent news.  But then, he looked at me in a way that he hasn't before and asked how I was doing?  Perhaps he could see my emotional scars written across my face?  Or perhaps the vag cam has some magical emotion reading power that can tell him when I'm about to head to the nuthouse.  I didn't even have time to answer him before he started to tell me that everything has been perfect for the last 7 cycles and we have had no success.  Not even a hint of a pregnancy.  And we are approaching 2 years of trying.  He had originally said he might try one more IUI, but yesterday, he changed his mind.  It's still my decision what to do, but he is no longer convinced that IUI will work for us.  He is wondering if there is a problem with the actual fertilization of the egg with the sperm, or maybe the fertilized egg can't find it's way out of the tube, or who knows? 

Worst nightmare #2: He said that he thinks that IVF may be the only viable option for us, and the few pieces of my sanity I had left crumbled to the floor.  He went on to say that he doesn't want us to waste another $1,300 on another IUI cycle that does not have good odds of working now, when we could put that towards the astronomical cost of IVF.  In his words, he wants to end the madness.  And I agree with him.  I've been to over 40 appointments in the last year, missed countless hours of work, and spent a shit ton of cash.  Madness is a good way to describe it. 

So, Ryan and I have a consultation appointment on the 28th to discuss IVF with him and determine what our protocol will be.  I am on birth control pills to rest my ovaries.  And it has been a whirlwind of thoughts and decisions and emotions.  I honestly did not think that it would come to this.  I don't understand why this has to happen to us. 

Crumbled, indeed.  

CD19: Waiting is the worst part

Today we are 3days post IUI and I feel like crap.  Let me fill you in on the week...

On Monday, we woke up at 5:00, got ready, collected hubby's 'sample', and arrived in Akron at 6:30 with the goods.  You have to fill out a two sided form when you drop it off, they copy your drivers license, and sign the cup - it all takes about 5 minutes, but it's nerve wracking every time because the thought is always in your mind that if you mess up the steps, you will be inseminated with some random strangers sperm and end up with a baby that does not look like your husband.  Our niece and nephews come out of the womb looking like clones of my husband, so it would be very evident if they screw up.  We asked Doc once if that ever happens, and he said it has happened, and that heads roll when it does, but assured us it was extremely rare.  YIKES. 

We went to Panera for cinnamon crunch bagels and some iced tea (Mannnnn... I miss my diet coke) and then had to be back to the hospital an hour later.  They took us back to the room, and the nurse had both of us verify the sample with husbands birthdate and name on it.  I hopped up on the table and looked at the ultrasound table, which had a People magazine with the headlining story being about Princess Kate and how she is preparing to be a mother.  (not cool, people... not cool)

After a 10 minute wait, one of the doctors came in (not our usual) and made us verify the sample again, which makes you a little more uneasy thinking about how often the mix-ups actually happen.  The doctor while verifying the sample with hubby said "Do you know this girl?"  Hubby nodded and snickered and then doc said "Well you're about to get to know her really well" and then told me to slide down and spread 'em.  It took every ounce of strength for us both to not laugh and/or be really creeped out.  The IUI took about 5 seconds after he got the speculum set, and he said it went perfect.  We had 40 million sperm after washing, which is really good.  Add that to 3 follicles, good uterine lining, being on baby aspirin to increase blood flow to my uterus, and using progesterone vag suppositories nightly to make sure my cycle doesn't start too soon and flush out the embryos before they have enough time to snuggle in... So, nothing could be more perfect.  The docs are very happy with all of our variables.  With that being said, there is still only a 25% chance that this will work.  Doesn't that SUCK? 

So after our prescribed and scheduled sexy time for 2 days after the IUI, now all we can do is wait.  It seems like that's all we ever do.  We get told a lot that it's ok... it's only one more month, or it's only a few months after your endo was removed, or in this case, it's only a 2 week wait... well let me tell you, after this long, and this much effort, each day that you just have to wait is pretty excruciating.  Add to that the fact that I'm extremely moody, swollen, and sore, and it gets worse. 

Regardless, we don't have any choice but to wait.  Our waiting will come to an end on Mother's Day this month, as that is 2 weeks after our IUI and the day we are supposed to test.  This can only end one of two ways.... Really Good, or Extremely Bad.  Hold tight Team Jen... it's going to be a bumpy ride.